Unrequited love

dixhuit

"I only wanted you because of sex."

His words were like an echo inside of my head,every now and then getting louder and then quieter again.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like his mouth was telling a lie that even his eyes didn't believe in it.

But then again, what do I know?

My stomach hurt, maybe because I haven't eaten in days or maybe because I felt like something bad was about to happen and I couldn't get rid of those thoughts.

I have already called Marina by then and she said she'd come to visit me and make a soup or something.

It's been half an hour since I heard her voice and I haven't moved from the same spot, that was my bed at that moment.

And those moments felt like years instead of only minutes.

I missed him more than I could tell, even if it was only a few days without his presence.

I smoked more than usually and my world was slowly collapsing.

Marina said I was romanticizing my life too much and that I shouldn't use drugs because of love etc.

I didn't do that because of him.

I wasnt romanticizing.

That was my life and I guess you could say I was insane. Maybe I truly was. But I couldn't help myself. I felt so empty all the time. But when I was with him my life felt real. I don't even know why. It could be anyone but It was him.

But now that he's gone it's like I don't have a way to live.

Something like that I guess.

The door bell rang and I couldn't move from my bed. I didn't feel my legs.

"But oh god do I want you." His words, even if drunk, somehow sounded real. Honest.

The door bell rang again. I sighed.

"I want you too." My words, sober this time, made his mouth form a smile.

I got up,slowly and made my way to the door, opened them and Marina hugged me instantly.

"What's wrong baby?" I could already feel the salty tears on my cheecks and we went to my room,collapsing on my bed, which had loads of my tshirts and pants, though none of them felt comfortable enough. I slept in one of his tshirts, which was way too big for me, but it still smelled like him.

"I miss him so much and I'm going crazy,but that's not because of him, you know? It's just me being insanely sad and fucked up to function normally. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been..." I rubbed my eyes and sniffed.

"I've been fucked up for a while but then he came and just kind of glued me together, he glued those broken shards of me back together, just to punch me and break me worse than I was before.." I laughed. "In a way I wish I could undo meeting him. But in a way he made me feel like I was on the top of the world. It felt so sweet. It felt so strong. It made me feel like I belonged." Her eyes were watering and she hugged me again,this time stronger and rubbed my back, comforting me.

"Don't get me wrong, I always felt better when I was with you as well. But hes just... I think it's love, you know?" She nodded a bit, not saying anything.

I started crying even more, I couldn't breathe in a matter of seconds. I wanted to say more, I wanted to tell her more, but failed.

I whispered an I love you, my voice breaking in the middle.

"Sssh. I know. I love you too." Her voice was soft and calming.

We sat there for a while until she stood up and pulled me with her.

"Let's make something to eat. You need food." I liked the idea and after we made some soup and noodles, it was 7 pm, which meant it was the time to get dressed and prepared.

"Marina? Could we go out, in a club or something?" She sighed,but said yes.

"Lizzy?"

'Yeah?"

"Just don't get too drunk." I laughed and nodded.

"Same goes for you."

The alcohol that I drank was already making me dizzy and more and more emotional.

It was 2am when I made a decision to text him.

I was screaming because of what happened, I couldn't believe myself that I was begging for love on my knees.

"Calm down Elizabeth!" Marina's voice was strong and demanding.

I laughed at her.

"You know, we're all just junkies, drunks snd druggies, we're all addicted to something that numbs the pain and music radiates through our tendones and voices float right through us. We are nothing at all but we try so desperately to escape the inevitable with our addictions... I shook my head and breathed slowly and deeply. "But you know, our one true addiction aren't drugs and alcohol and cigarettes. We're addicted to feeling real."

Then I stood up and somehow ended on a bench, still shaking.

I checked the time and realized it was already 3 am so I texted him.

03.04 am: I hate you so much

03.42 am: I cant fucking stop thinking of you. even when im drunk. its all you. this whole gukving wold is just you you you. white stars. lout thunder. ciggarets. fuck you. fuck you. fucj you

04.12 am: pleasde come back. forget what i ecer saif. i just need u and i just puked my head is spinning where r u

04.23 am: i miss you so muchh

matty

04.24 am: i love you but no fucking way