Unrequited love

dixneuf

I woke up with a strong headache, laying next to Marina, who slept peacefully. She always did. Sometimes it was so peacefully I had to check if she was still breathing.

But how do you know, whether someone is still alive?

It's more of a poetic thing to say,really. But it was true.

How do you know? How do you know if someone is still alive inside?

Whether their insides aren't rotting?

I looked at my hands, once  my friend said they're as fragile as a feather. I couldn't understand why at the time, but now, I did.

My fingers were slim and my hands were small. I could barely hold my phone sometimes.

I looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

I missed myself. The young happy self. I missed how I wasn't this crazy stupid girl.

I stood up and quietly walked to the kitchen, trying to not wake up Marina. I made myself a cup of coffee and took my phone, realizing what I did this night I almost dropped it.

"Fuck." I whispered and reread those few texts, laughing at myself because of my stupidity. 

I didn't understand Matty's message though, I didn't understand him at all.

But I wrote him another message.

09.14 am: to be honest it was probably my fault and i might just be saying this because this night i sent you so many drunk texts which i regret, sorry about that. and maybe because it's this early in the morning and im still half drunk from last night because the only time i feel like i can breathe is when im not sober and i realised just how fucked up it is that we fell in love when my mouth tasted like whiskey and i just completely fell for you, for the idea of being adored, for the feeling of being special. i know you dont and did never feel the same way about me but god damn it, i do and i dont even know why. but i did, you know? like, some part of me knew that you were a bad idea but i thought maybe if i just close my eyes and let myself fall, id learn how to fly at some point or you'd follow me down but fuck you just led me to the edge and then started making excuses about the height. god damn it i wish i had never learned your name that night, i wish we never kissed i wish i could get you of my mind.

/ / M A T T Y / /

My phone buzzed and interrupted my thoughts of Elizabeth and how I screwed everything up again.

I wanted her, more than anything but I couldn't do it. I couldn't.

I read the message, it was from her. My heart started beating faster, I realized it was over. I couldn't get her back.

I screwed up and she has had it.i dont blame her to be honest, but a part of me wanted to help her, I wanted her to be happy and maybe she was but now I made it all worse and I have no idea how to make it better.

I didn't know what to reply, so I didn't.

//

It was 7pm, me, George, Ross and Adam were on our way to a club, to get wasted.

Somehow they all knew I needed to drink and to just forget about it all for a while.

My thoughts were all about her and it was funny in a way, the fact that I never felt like this before. I knew her for such a short time but felt so strong about her.

As we arrived to the Downtown bar, I got sweaty hands, it was the place where I met her.

A part of me was hoping to bump into her, after all, I could blame the alcohol for kissing her.