Just another blog - candybeer

another hole

i did it, i can't believe i did it. i took one more pill than i usually do. what have i done?. 

i always had this thought about "what if i... took too many pills... i'll die" i want to die, but im scared to leave and not saying everything i have to. I don't want to die before speak. 

This time i did it, what if it becomes a habit, and i start taking even more pills... who am i? 

im feeling very anxious right now, i hate myself, i want to hurt myself i feel the desire to do it. I hate me, the problem is just with me. I don't accept myself and im sorry but i can't change that, is not about giving me a supportive talk about "love yourself" ok, got it, but how. I don't even know how to start, i hate myself more than yesterday but not as i will tomorrow. 

I feel lost, i lost myself a long time ago... i just have this blurry image about me or who i think i used to be, i cant see my future anymore. I don't imagine myself doing normal things like studying, having a job or being independent. I can't see that anymore, all i see is myself in a hole, a dark and deep hole without an exit. 

i used to dream big, now i cry in my nightmares. I just want to stop this feeling that has been growing for years, is tearing me apart, im really sorry. i didn't choose this, i don't know how i lost myself. I don't even know if i found myself in some point. 

Everytime that i feel that things are gonna get better, the hole just gets smaller and the air is less than before. 

I feel sorry for the people that is around me and for those that were around me. I don't know how they can stand me, and for those that are gone... i wish them the best. 

if they knew.. if they only knew this that i'm writing... will they believe me? will they think i'm crazy? well, i also think i lost my mind so i get them. 

how am i supposed to accept myself, if i lost who i am. How can i know how i am if i hate it. I hate everything about me, and i already accepted all that. And i still the same or worse. 

i just want this to stop, please i need to leave myself alone. im suffocating in my own body, in my own soul. 

Everytime i feel anxious, i write about what i'm feeling in the moment, like now. Not because it helps, but because if i ever leave... i want them to know what i was going through. To leave something, i want to leave but leave my words and my point of view... the things i didn't share.