I am NOT and Never Will Be A Jedi

The Five Steps to C-R-A-S-Hing

   The rest of class was slow and agonizing like a Sarlacc's digestion process. Let's just say I didn't exactly get on Master Big Brian's good side.

   When the bell rang I hurried out of class without making eye contact with my beardless instructor. Anakin was waiting outside with a smirk on his face. "How was class Newbie?" He asked smugly. I clenched my fists, "You! You set me up!" Anakin chuckled, "Only a Sith deals an absolute. You're not a Sith are you?" He asked jokingly. My face reddend, "That's not funny! Master Ki-Adi-Mundi probably hates me now!" Anakin smothered his laughs, "Why?"

    Before I opened my mouth, Master Beardless Big Brains walked out of the class with a twisted face. He stopped and glared at me then marched away. Luckily, Anakin held his laughter in until he was out of ear shot, "Oh jeeze, that's great!" He was almost in tears by the time his laughing subsided, "Listen Kevin, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I do that to all the new kids."

   I crossed my arms, "That doesn't help." Anakin began walking me to my next class, Piloting 101, "Listen kid, I'm sorry, honest. Here, I'll make it up to you. How 'bout I give you five days worth of homework cheats?" I scoffed, "I don't want your homework cheats. I'm smart enough to do it on my own." Anakin laughed, "Kid, I don't care how smart you are, no homework you've done in your life is like the homework you'll do here!" I ignored the warning and continued walking to my class in a bitter silence. Anakin stopped outside the door, "Well, here's your stop. I've got Advanced Combat on the second floor so if you're ever in need of some piloting assistance, I'm kind of an expert."

   I was about to nod, but Anakin strutted off chuckling, "Who am I kidding? You won't make it out of the docking bay!"

   I entered the class grumbling. Some Welcome Buddy! I thought.

   However, Anakin was quite right. I didn't make it out of the docking bay.

   I failed the ship inspection.

   But that wasn't even my fault. Let me tell you the story of how I met the scariest kid in the entire galaxy and how he scared the blue milk out of me...

   "Welcome class. Today we will going over the five steps to ship inspection," announced Master Plo Koon. Not the strangest looking being I've laid eyes on but probably in the top ten.

   Master Koon wrote each step on the chalk board, "First, check your fuel. Without fuel, you're not going anywhere. Next, you're going to remove the lock on the landing gears. That way when you take off, you don't have your landing gears sticking out of your haul. Then, you have to apply pilot grease to the canopy of your ship. You never want your canopy to be stuck. This pilot grease could be the difference between survival, and getting crushed if you ever find yourself in a sticky situation. I speak from personal experience..."

   A few kids chuckled, but the thought of being trapped in a metal death trap was no laughing matter in my opinion.

   "Next, you're going to set the coordinates of your destination. Even if your simply flying from one end of Coruscant to the other, you'll find your GPS quite handy."

    Master Koon began writing the last step on the board, "Finally, before you complete your five steps of ship inspection, you're going to hit the "engine on" button and pray that you correctly followed step one or you will most likely explode. Any questions?"

    I studied the board for a minute and raised my hand, "Excuse me, Master Koon? Why do steps one through five spell C-R-A-S-H?"

    Master Koon turned and looked at the board...

Check fuel

Remove lock

Apply grease

Set coordinates

Hit button

    Plo Koon grabbed the eraser and swiped it down the board so it no longer spelled the frightening, yet ironic five letter word. "Alright! Anymore questions? Good! Let's head to the docking bay to go through the steps!"

   The docking bay was a huge empty room that smelled of fuel, oil, and the cute little air fresheners that hung over the control board of each Starfighter. The training Starfighters sat in a long row along one end of the hanger.

    We all quickly raced for the small ships and that was when I ran into a brick wall. Or at least it felt like a brick wall. I rubbed my nose as I backed away from the figure who I had collided with. Well, collided would imply that we both were affected by the impact; I guess it was more of a ricochet.

   Anyways, my point is, this being was big. I mean, like, really big. He turned around and I looked into the eyes of a monster.

   Sorry if I sound racist, monster isn't exactly politically correct. He was really a Zabrak. But that doesn't mean I wasn't scared to death!

   The Zabrak's blunt little horns towerd over me and he grunted angrily. "Sorry!" I squeaked, and then ran off to find a Starfighter.

   "Alright, you may begin students!" Plo Koon instructed. We all got to work inspecting our ships. My fuel was full, and unlocking my landing gears was simple, but when I started applying the grease to my canopy, I found that my pilot's grease was empty.

   "Oh great!" I mumbled. I was in the last Starfighter in the row so I looked over toward the ship next to me. But sure enough, guess who was in that Starfighter... yeah, the Zabrak. I timidly walked over, "Hey... uh, can I maybe borrow your pilot grease? Please?" The Zabrak looked over, his can of grease clenched in his fist. Unfortunately, he hadn't apparently been too found of me after I ran into him because he didn't hand me the can. He gave me the grease though! Right on my head! Like, half of the can dumped onto my hair!

   Drenched in slimy grease, I managed two words, "Well... thanks." I returned to my ship and finished the rest of the steps. When it was time for Master Koon to grade our work, he was shocked when he came to me.

    "My goodness! What have you done? I said grease the canopy not yourself!" I shrugged and lowered my greasy head.

    At that point, I was sure that I was having the worst day of my life...

         ...and it wasn't even lunch time.