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' water so deep, how do we breathe, how do we climb?' ⇒ beautiful mess, kristian kostov - i know the readers who have seen my ' huge thanks' chap like an hour ago will be wondering, ' what the hell?' but yes, i decided to update after seeing some lovely comments. i felt like updating right now and ditching my nct fic for now XD so here we go, an update even though i said i wouldn't in my last chapter till later on.
jisung's p.o.v: jisung took a deep breath, watching his knuckles go white as he gripped the counter. this was it, he would have to face minho. for the first time in forever, this made him nervous. lee minho shouldn't make han jisung nervous or even hesitant. gathering his courage, jisung made his way up the stairs with the maths books in hand. deep breaths, jisung told himself. entering his room, he saw minho casually lounging on his bed, looking around at all the polaroids and fairy lights covering the walls. his room definitely felt homey. jisung coughed awkwardly, catching minho's attention quickly enough. ' you wanna get started?' the brunette nodded and jumped off of the bed onto the floor, immediately crossing his legs. jisung smiled slightly before planting himself down, mirroring minho's posture. ' what are we learning?' he asked, eyes glittering as per usual. they sparkle so much you'd think he held bottle of tears. jisung hopes they aren't tears. no underlying disgust shone in his eyes, no hatred emanated from minho. so, he really wasn't weirded out by what i wrote?, jisung thought unconsciously. it took him a while to answer, trapped in his own world. ' uhm... algebra, right? that's what you needed help with?' minho nodded, staring at jisung's reddening cheeks and awkward stance. minho's p.o.v: minho didn't find what jisung wrote about him at all disgusting. all he could feel was pure shock. he almost lost his balance when reading the pages... ' he can never know about this. that's why i have to write in this journal with hopes that my feelings for him will finally disappear. minho, i know you'll never see this. because i'd rather die than show this to you. but, you give me... hope, i guess. you make me feel something that i've never thought i would experience. and this isn't your cliche confession. i hate you. i hate you so much it hurts to even think about it. you leave me in bed at night thinking, longing, hoping of everything i want us to be. ' want' is such a hard feeling to compress. you don't know how difficult it is for me to not want you. want you next to me when everything is failing, want you here when i can't hold myself up, want you with me when i can't breathe. i hate you so much that i love you. i would call our relationship a beautiful mess, if their even is a relationship. and somehow, no matter how hard i try to get you away, you always come back. good situation or not, i can't bear to know that you'll never know my love towards you. i hate you, lee minho. but it makes me love you more and more every day.' every single word was engraved into minho's mind. it kept playing on repeat, never once failing to make him guilty of all the past things he's said to jisung. honestly, it kills minho to know jisung feels like this. he was holding back tears right now, something he had learnt to do well over the years. yet, they were threatening to spill. minho held his breath and turned his head to the side, trying to focus on anything around the room. he couldn't. he just couldn't. it was impossible not to think of the heartfelt words jisung directed towards him. ' are you okay?' jisung's worried voice interrupted his thoughts. minho turned his head, now facing jisung. then, the tears escaped his eyes,cascading down his cheek. minho knew he shouldn't be the one crying. jisung's face was mortified, scared of the situation. ' why didn't you tell me?' minho whispered. he silently cried, never making a sound. jisung sadly smiled, forcing the tears back. ' i couldn't.'
