31 days in MAY

Nightmares

Sometimes they come back.

I hope someday I will face them

And my hands won't shake.

And my body will not revulse-

My thoughts flooding

And my heart tearing to pieces.

All over again.

I hope this nightmare

Will not keep its grip

Tighter than my mom

In a crowded street,

Holding onto me.

Where I can see the world,

I can see everything.

But I cannot reach out

And I cannot loose this grip.

And it feels suffocating,

And restricting.

I feel like perhaps I've grown around this cage.

Like even though I could've grown out of it,

I am rooted in it.

These nightmares holding me.

When all else fails,

Their grip feels the strongest.

But I've gotten it wrong,

Haven't I?

These are not roots.

Roots support life

Not cripple it.

These are shackles,

Ropes, bonds, weights,

Claws even.

Bruising,

Scarring,

Suffocating,

Terrible.

There are places

Heaven should forbid.

That even if stumbled upon

Must never be revisited,

Must never be remembered.

Visiting always feels

Like serving a jail term:

Caged,

Alone,

Afraid,

Incapable.

I hope when these ropes grow weak,

Even by a fraction,

I will break free

Of these nightmares,

These scars,

These memories.

I will break free

And leave them

Far away;

Distance from them

Never to be bridged.

And be able to say

Goodbye forever.

~A