Aftermath

Deal?

He completely lost track of time, he could've been here for 5 minuets, 5 hours or even days and his thoughts were switching between grief and anger, he could scream and cry at the same time. 'The mad queen, queen of the ashes' they called her not understanding that it wasn't madness, it was the same thing he felt right now, the grief and anger, the loneliness. Tyrion asked him if he would've burned the city, he said he didn't know and he really didn't at that time, but now he would've done everything necessary and would've stand by Dany till the very last second to build this new world, a better world. Nobody can say if the things they all feared would've happened, all he knew that he wanted her back, feel her touch again, feel her love and kindness, feel and see all the the things the others didn't see.
As he was finally able to leave the cave it was after midnight and the sky was clear, the stars and the moon shined brighter than he had ever seen. He started to smile, he forgot everything for a second, as if all the weight that was tearing him down was just gone and went back to the camp. He could hear Tormund laughing from miles away as they were surely still sitting somewhere drinking something.
"Can I join you?" he asked smiling and sat down with them around the fireplace. Immediately they gave him his own cup and he started drinking, everything was like on that feast back in Winferfell he thought to himself as he was trying to enjoy some company again.
A few drinks later it was just some men, Tormund and him "Could you leave as for a second?" everyone was drunk but the men left as Tormund told them to do so and he began to talk "So, what's the matter crow?" and Jon, knowing exactly what he wanted to know, was trying to cover it again "What are you talking about, we were having a great time, everything's alright" he said as he took another big sip from his cup. "I'm not talking about tonight and do not try to fool me here you know what it's about" he said as Jon emptied his cup "It's nothing believe me" but the look
in his eyes told the truth as his lips were lying. "Nothing? So you fell of a horse, cried in your tent for three days and disappeard for a whole day for nothing am I getting this right?" the words hit him right in the guts, but still he was trying to avoid talking about it "I'm tired" he said as he immediately stood up and turned around trying to hide his eyes filled with tears. But as he tried to walk away Tormund grabbed his arm and now they were standing face to face as Jon was trying to avoid eye contact "Look at me boy!" said Tormund and lifted Jon's head again "Tell me the damn truth, I like you but you have no f*cking use to anyone if you're only whinging in the corner" after a moment of absolute silence he realised he would not get away with this again "Daenerys" he said quietly and took a deep breath "I killed Daenerys". Again there was silence as he tried not to start crying, nobody could say anything right now so they where just staring at each other in disbelief. "Why?" Tormund said in a voice that he had never heard of him before "I don't know.." he answered in a broken voice "I .. I didn't want to do it, but they told me she was a threat to everyone. I started to believe it and .. " Jon began to stutter as he couldn't say the words "a-and I kissed her, told her that she was my queen just to" he took another deep breath "put a knife through her heart" you could barley hear the last words as the tears began to roll down all over his face and in that moment he really felt the knife again, but in his chest. "But she did nothing wrong" and Jon looked into his eyes as the tears kept rolling down his face "She burned King's Landing, she killed thousands of innocents, among them children, and she would've done the same with the rest of the world they said. But I don't believe it. Yes I saw what she did in King's Landing, but she wouldn't have done it,
not with King's Landing, not with the rest, not if I could've stand by her side" "Why couldn't you, you loved her" and Jon realised that he didn't knew his real identity, but it doesn't matter anymore does it? "I'm not a Bastard. My father wasn't Ned Stark, it was Rhaegar Targaryen and my mother was Lyanna Stark. My name isn't Jon Snow, it's Aegon Targaryen and I would've been the heir to the iron throne and her nephew" "I always knew you were a king" he said laughing to lighten up the mood and Jon couldn't resist but to smile at least a bit "But I still don't get why, when you loved her it shouldn't have mattered, you didn't knew it when you fell in love so you could've just continued to do so" he was right and Jon knew it "It doesn't matter now" he said "No it doesn't". "So what are you going to do now? You know as well as I do that you cannot change it anymore, so why don't you try and move on?" "As if it were that easy" "Yes it is, just get you a girl and f*ck her, I did the same with the big woman and it helped me" "But I'm not you Tormund, it's not my way to do things" "Just try it, if it doesn't help then you can go whinging in the corner again and do it your way" Jon started laughing "I'm serious boy, promise me that you'll do it and I'll never annoy you ever again" they both looked each other in the eyes "Deal?" Jon hesitated "Deal."