Just A Nurse

Twenty-Five

Hey there,

I'm halfway through my exams and decided since I've pretty much finished this book to just go ahead and publish it.

Love E x

Published 31/5/19 @ 11:18 p.m.

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"I felt I should be the one to tell you... I'm so sorry Liv, I-" Liv was deaf to the words of comfort Steve was offering. She was numb to the strong arms wrapping around her. She was a void, an emptiness that no amount of light could ever hope to brighten. The envelope in Steve's hand had been familiar before he'd even begun to speak. Devastation- it didn't feel powerful enough to describe the aftermath of Steve's message. She felt sick and yet she felt dead. She felt everything all at once and absolutely nothing at all.

"James is dead?" Liv hadn't realised she'd said the words until she felt Steve croak out a reply. If futility was a moment, it would be that moment. The moment when once again, Liv was left with nothing but herself and in a room of people she knew and loved. She felt so small that even the ants were giants and so alone that the nearest person couldn't have been closer than a million miles from her.

As her senses re-engaged with the moment, she forced herself away from the Super Soldier and braced herself on a nearby chair. There had never in her life been a moment when Liv had felt more vividly aware of being alive, but not in a good way. More in the way a fish becomes vividly aware of its need to be in water only once it is without it. She was starved of her lifeline. Her brain was mimicking the panic of a newly caught fish, impaled with some bastards hook and forced to burn in the dryness of land until she died. She found that Steve, too, had eyes the colour of the blood needlessly spilt over the last four years. His tears cascaded shamelessly down his cheeks, taunting her. It fuelled the anger in Liv which took over as she watched America's New Hope fall to pieces at her feet. How many innocent men had to die. Bucky made his choice to follow Steve ( and maybe part of her would never forgive him for leaving), but the rest of her was furious that the war was even still going on.

If Howard had not found her first, there wasn't a soul who knew her that didn't believe she would shoot her way right up to Churchill's office. Howard had never seen her so angry. This was Liv, cynical but generous, realistic but hopeful. Liv who'd accepted being a nurse when she was damn more than capable of being a Howling Commando herself. If anyone should have been Project Rebirth's Patient Zero it was her.

"Liv, I just heard..." He spoke with a solemnity that pulled her focus out of her murderous rage. 

"Jesus Liv, I'm so fucking sorry." Her mouth opened to refute his pity but there was none. His pain was as genuine as hers but unlike Steve, he maintained his composure for her benefit. She let him hug her, just as she had Steve, but she was the only one shaking this time- Steve had been like a leaf in a blizzard.

Howard sat her down and talked her through the report with Peggy, as far as they knew it had been an accident. Approximately three days ago, a train had a hole blow in one side and Bucky fell out of it. Steve tried to pull him back, but he couldn't get far enough out in time. Bucky had fallen hundreds of feet, which he was highly unlikely to survive. Reconnaissance had been useless. They were pulling the recovery team because it was too dangerous to risk lives just to find a corpse. Liv would get a medal and his personal belongings over the next few days. What good was a medal and personal belongings? She wanted her husband back! She knew what he carried in his pockets and she didn't need it back. She didn't want a picture of herself, she wanted to wake up to Bucky's sleepy smile on Saturdays. She wanted to teach Charlie to walk, with the new shoes they were going to buy as a family. She didn't want a half-written letter or his grand father's ring. None of it meant anything without James.