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15. Dysphoria

CUTTING | DYSPHORIA| CUSSING | GORE
TOTALLY SKIP THIS CHAPTER IF THATS TRIGGERING

Before we continue...
Let us have a brief intermission for Ash...

Bristol, England
Ash's POV

"Elisabeth,"
Turning the page of my book, I ignored the voice of my husband.
"Elisabeth Clyde, listen to me now!"
He always had a short temper.
I turned, my long hair brushing against my exposed shoulders. The dress was tight on my waist.
It made me want to die.

"Yes, dear husband?" I said sweetly. Eric frowned. "You are going to see your parents for a week for your birthday. Don't abuse this opportunity." He told me.
I rolled my eyes, going back to my book.
He always treated me like a pet or a slave. Probably because he knew I was trans and didn't like that.
I didn't bother telling him that my name wasn't Elisabeth, not anymore.

Of course, I was ecstatic to see my parents after years in Bristol with only Eric for company, but the only person on my mind was Zara.
She was my teenage girlfriend. I had never fallen out of love with her, not really. She was always the most wonderful person.
I wanted to see her.

I made a point to "accidentally" not pack my dresses. With major convincing on my part, I had been allowed to go shopping on my own. Every time, I began to buy more and more of the clothes I felt more comfortable in.
"Guy" clothes.

Because I was not a girl. I was not Elisabeth Clyde. I was Ash and I was a boy and I knew that.

~

As I got off the plane, my heart was pounding in my chest.
My mother ran at me with a shout of "Elisabeth!" that made my toes curls in my sneakers.
I had gotten away with jeans and a sweatshirt and I was grateful for that. My dad came next. Then I saw my older sister in the crowd.
"Alison!" I called. She turned and walked over before I could get a good look at her.
"Ash." She whispered as she hugged me.
I buried my face in her shoulder and held back tears.
We all went back to the house and played board games and planned what we would do for my birthday the next day. My parents whispered something to Alison before leaving. I took my chance.
"Hey Ali?"
"Yeah?"
"Will I get to see Zara?"
Alison froze, her entire body stiffening. A look of pain slowly took over her face.
"Ash. Zara, she... we don't know what happened to her." She said softly.
My heart thumped painfully in my chest.
"What?"
"Zara disappeared a few days ago at the Garrison. Nobody knows what happened to her. Though, it suspiciously like what happened a few years back." Alison told me.
"What happened then." I asked her. After a short silence, she answered.
"Zara, two girls, and two boys disappeared while studying at the Garrison. Then, two years later, Zara returned with nothing but a bloody arm from each of the girls. No one knows what happened and Zara never said anything. That's why I never got to go to the Garrison even though I was going to." Alison explained.
I was in shock. Zara was gone? What happened to her?
Would I have to live as a girl forever?

Suddenly something came over me. Something felt completely wrong. It was like something in my head was screaming at me. Like if I tore hard enough at my skin, it would come off and I would emerge my true self.
But I held my expression.

~

When my family was asleep, I crept to the bathroom and dug my long nails into the marble sink. I gritted my teeth and stared hard at myself in the mirror. I felt one of my nails break.
Good. I thought as I watched the blood pool up over my nail. It's shorter.
I stared at my hands then, scratching harshly at the soft skin of my wrist. I took a razor from under the sink then, and began to drag it across my forearm.

Again.
Again.
Again.

Like the pressure was finally being let out. I breathed a sigh of relief.
Then I looked at my arms. Blood dropped over the shredded skin and stained the marble sink. Skin peeled away and cross-crossed in many patterns. I admired my art with a sick grin.
"That's what you get for losing Zara, you fucking shit." I whispered to my reflection.
I turned to exit.

And stared Alison right in the face.

She stared at my arm in shock and then at the razor I  still clutched in my hand.

"Shit, Ash. I didn't know it was that bad." Alison attempted a joke.
I rolled my eyes.

Alison helped me wrap my arm.
"Listen kid, I know you love your husband," she said sarcastically, "But I'm not allowing you to go back to him."
I leaned on her shoulder. "Thank God."

I'm so sorry about that, I was in a dark place and it fit Ash's character.

Happy pride month! I hope none of you are going through what any of these characters are going through. If anyone needs to talk to someone, I'm right here.