Hush

Chapter 20: Wanna Be Adored

A/N: Just for the record, Marina and The Diamonds own my ass.

Also, I'm finishing this chapter half-asleep so I'm sorry if it's that bad. Hopefully, I won't regret this in the morning

I've always been praised as a smart kid, even when I was considered nothing but trash people took notice of my grades, my writing, my supposed "talents". A genius they called me. Aren't geniuses supposed to know everything, or at least a substantial amount of information? Technically my brain is stocked with piles of facts when it comes to math, history, English, and any subject as long as it isn't goddamn biology. And yet, I feel like I know nothing of what's important.

Here are a few things I wish I knew, but don't:

1. Where The Fuck is John: It's been four days since I last heard from him. Four days. No, he never came by, and my dozens upon dozens of text messages were left painfully ignored. I haven't seen him around the school, either. For all I know, John Laurens could be dead on a ditch. But I know he's not. Even if I don't know that.

2. How The Fuck Do I Feel: Putting generic names to the complex chemical components in our brains that cause what we know as "feelings" is not an easy task, and my own is no exception. It might be sadness, or anger, resentment, disappointment, or something in between. Though I am leaning for a combination of them all. There's simply too much going on inside my head and I cannot categorize it as easily as jars of cookies.

3. How The Fuck Could I Forget: There's a reason beyond mundane facades to why I never let myself be in a relationship. Even when I felt nothing for the person but still craved that closeness, even when I had the chance to do it publicly and with my friend's approval. That reason will probably surprise no one because at the end of the day it's something that we all fear. I didn't want to get hurt, and yet I let my guard down. And look at what happened.

And then there is the one thing that I do know, and that is that I am hurt. I'm hurt and I have to burry sobs in my pillow and let my tears be washed away by a lukewarm shower because if anyone knew they would want an explanation, and I won't be able to give an answer.

Maybe I should, they would go after John Laurens, not me. But I can't let myself be too resentful of him, not until I know why the hell he decided he'd just disappear from my stratosphere. Like he was never there. Like he never kissed me. I want reasons, I want to know why I'm hurting. But I don't. That's another thing I don't know.

I tried to act normally, to continue my days as I usually would. As far as everyone else knew, John Laurens was never a part of my routine to begin with, I just had to remember how it was when that was the case. I would no longer go to the back of the school, or stay awake later than I should talk about meaningless everythings. It's like he was even never there.

But he was, and I can't forget that.

It's Friday, and everyone around me it's happy because, well, it's Friday. Hercules is telling a story about the time he broke in one of the teacher's houses which may or may not be true (you never know with Hercules) and everyone in the table is laughing at his dramatic storytelling antics. I, too, laugh, even if it's not remotely genuine. Yes, the story is very funny, but I can't find it in me to enjoy it as everybody else does. It doesn't matter, nobody makes any comments or glances at my way weirdly and that's all I care about right now.

Eventually, the bell rings and I go through sixth period in autopilot. I don't absorb anything of what the teacher says and strangely, I don't really care. I honestly just want to go home already so I can cry about my disappointment and confusion. It had been a while since I last cried, and now I can't seem to stop. Stupid teenage feelings I didn't ask for. Who knew I could be this pathetic.