Hush

Chapter 17: Hot n' Cold

I woke up at dawn, sweating and panting and with my underwear damp. It only took a quick glance to confirm that was indeed not pee. Damnit.

With cheeks filled with unprocessed and pure embarrassment, I tiptoed my way to the laundry room and dumped my clothes and blankets in the washer, praying to every god I knew of that no one, especially Lafayette, would wake up. This was stupid, humiliating, and worse of all not the first time it happened with John. Of course, I know this isn't anything out of the ordinary for a teenage boy with a dick, but my brain should know better than fabricate filthy fantasies in my sleep when I'm actually able to taste the actual object of my desire for once. But no, my body just hates me and wants me to die of embarrassment. I can't even scape my want for John in my sleep.

I swear, I'm too young to experience this ridiculous amount of longing. Just take me to my designated circle of hell already, please.

I settle my butt on top of the washer and stare at the whitewashed ceiling. Gosh, how did I end up here? Not on the laundry room, obviously, but smitten over who I once thought to be a horrible person. How stupidly wrong I was. This is not how I expected things to go the first time I approached him on a spike of curiosity, not at all.

Would I change it?

•••

"Hey, John," I said.

"Hmm?" He mumbled an answer as he petted Brutus.

Scooted closer to him and laid my head on his shoulder. I felt him jump a little but otherwise ,he didn't react to my touch. "Say cheese!" I exclaimed and he turned his head toward me confused.

"What!?" He asked and the camera clicked.

"Perfect," I sang.

"Alexander, no!" John complained as I looked at the picture I just took. He appeared looking at the camera, kind of, his light hazel eyes wide like two spheres and his cheeks red which made his freckles pop up. Cute. And in the corner there was I, resting on his shoulder.

"Alexander yeeeees!" I screeched and saved the picture.

He made me delete it. I lied.

I quickly scrolled away from the photo, wishing I could stare at it a little longer but knowing it was too risky since I was surrounded by my friends. No, since we almost got caught by Lafayette a week ago I decided I needed to be more careful. I couldn't afford him or anyone finding out about my relationship with John. I couldn't afford to lose him. I had taken the picture a few days ago and I found myself glancing at it often, but can you blame me? Gosh, even John's stupid freckles looked cute on it.

John was not the first person I had a casual fling with, not at all. But he's sure the first to make me desire more. I used to think I had the game figured out, that I knew everything when it came to sex and love. But John is like a slap on the face, reminding me that I'm still young and that I know shit. It's both refreshing and uncomfortable to be faced with the fact that I still got so much to learn.

I don't know what I'll do about John, about my feelings for him, and that's a crazy concept for me.

"Shoulders are not going to kill anybody!" I heard Eliza say as I zoned off. "Like, Alexander, do you get distracted by my shoulders?"

"What?" I asked and looked up only to be met with Eliza taking off her jacket, showing off her sleeveless shirt.

"See my point!?"

"Alexander's always in the clouds anyway, that doesn't count," Meade said and Eliza glared at him.

"Are you saying the shoulder dress code is justified?"

"No!" He hurried to say. "Just that Alexander isn't a good test,"

I scoffed playfully. "What do you mean? I'm not "in the clouds" or whatever. I'm right here," I said, making quotation marks with my fingers.

"Eh, not really," Kitty shrugged. "But that's alright, we love ya anyway,"

I felt a cold pit form in my stomach and grab my insides like a chilly fist. Shit, they're right. I'm always in the clouds, aren't I? Only that the clouds are John and I am such a shitty friend. I mean, this is why people always leave me, don't they? Because I always jump head first into some bizarre obsession, and this time it happens to have curls. And I forget that people do care about whenever I pay attention to them or not.

I'm a shitty friend, aren't I?

I take a deep breath and push all the thoughts clawing at my brain under. I'm alright, they don't need to know how much I hate myself right now.

"How would you guys feel about hanging out on Sunday?" I ask.

"That sounds like a fun idea!" Lafayette exclaims and I bite the inside of my cheek.

"Where to, though?" Peggy asks as she sips her gross cafeteria milk.

I shrug. "The movie theater?"

Hercules nods. "Sounds good, I'll ask my mom,"

"Same,"

"Oh shut up Angelica, we all know daddy lets you do anything,"

"No shit Eliza, same thing for you,"

I smile though I feel kinda hollow on the inside. I can make it up to them, right?

  

That evening after I lie to Lafayette once more and head toward the back of the school instead of home like I so claimed, I found Brutus sprawled on the grass taking a nap, already waiting for us. Good. It's not like I don't like the dog, Brutus is an ugly sweetheart, but I don't really have the energy. I kinda just want to go home and write (about what? anything) but I can't just not see John either.

Everything would be so much better if this weren't a secret.

At first ,the sneaking around and the slight sense of danger was thrilling, like a snap of electricity traveled through my body every time we touched with the knowledge we could get caught. It was exciting. But now it's anxiety, it's longing, it's dissatisfaction. I don't want to divide myself between my friends and family and John but fuck, do I have any other option?

I snap away from my thoughts when I hear footsteps I immediately recognize as John's. He has a light but secure step that I've found easy to identify over time.

"Hey," He mumbles as he sits beside me.

"Hey," I answer and he looks at me weird.

"Ev'rything alright?" He asks and I shrug. I don't know, am I okay?

"Just, feeling a lil' down I guess. It's nothing, it'll go away,"

He doesn't say anything so I assume that answer satisfied him, but then I feel his calloused fingers brushing my hair out of my face and tilting my head toward him ever so gently. I was sort of reluctant to look at him but gosh, he's so beautiful.

"I don't know what's goin' on," He says. "And I won't force you to talk about anythin' you don't want to. But, I can help you take your mind off it."

I let out a breathy laugh, yes please. "I wouldn't be opposed to that,"

"Good," John says and then dips his head to kiss my clothed shoulders. I gasp.

"John!" I exclaim, holding in all the sounds he makes me want to release. "Here!?"

"Why not?" He says and I feel his warm breath against my neck. "Nobody ever comes here,"

It's stupid and risky, but as soon as he presses his lips against the juncture of my neck I know I'm a goner.

"So?"

I smirk. "Nobody needs to know, right?"