Up against the wall

I now know how you felt when you heard my voice mail...

I missed 1 phone call... 

You said you were getting better but I know now that that was one of the biggest lies that you had told me. I told you that I would always be by your side like the king sits next to the queen while the monarchy falls. I know now that no matter how many times I call that number back you won't pick up... If I had have picked up would you still be here? Would I be sitting up at night singing the notes that I see in the smoke that erupts from my sob stained lips?

Every night you told me that those notes that your heart to delicately rested on were enough to hold you up... What changed? What caused those lyrics and blessings to fail you?, and why wasn't I there to sing those words to you through the phone? Had you held on maybe an hour more... or even less. I remember how you always told me that the next sunrise would fix me, that the colours were somehow attached to my every word. With that sunrise, I felt that you and I would always make it though; it feels like empty promises now.

I will call back...

every night until you pick up and every day until I hear your voice again. Ill paint your grave the brightest shade of gold and clear it in the autumn... Nothing will prevent the world from seeing your glory. I only wish I didn't block your radiance. I won't leave you again and you won't melt like last years snowflakes. I will ensure you live. 

But for the love of god don't leave my side because I know that your still here with me.

I now know how you felt when you heard my voice mail...

I'll keep your memory inside the letter you gave to me when we were 13. Your words then changed my life and woke me from my nightmare; so why is it that now that you are gone I, plunging back in head first. 

It'll be one year since what happened eventually... ill get your voicemail tattooed over my heart and in your memory,

I'll never miss a call again

and ill never let another meet your fate because I couldn't make it to the phone.

XxSaint