Up against the wall

Dandelion Seeds

Breadcrumbs, they're few and far between in dark caves, but I stumbled across a trail of them and lead myself out. Each step was like a candle, it made my walk ever so slightly brighter; my shoes became lighter, and I was able to walk. The thing that made the darkness bearable was the memory of what the stars looked like; the faith that the crumbs would guide me out to see them again.

I had followed a path for so long that I forgot what the flowers edging the way looked like, dandelion seeds lured me out of the shade of the trees and into the light. The willow seeds look me by the wrists and lead me through the trees until I saw the valley. Its laid with sunflowers and daffodils, roses, and daises. In the middle of the valley stands an old willow tree surrounded by baby's breath, the same willow that sent the seeds to retrieve me from the hardened path. I'm not at that tree yet, but I know which way to head.

'Do you remember? The way we felt without the pressures of the stones that now crush us?', that's what my partner said to me. I don't see her anymore. She left herself in bits and pieces of writing and sunsets that she thought might drag the rocks from her back. I don't see her anymore because what good are someone else's words trying to lift a weight as heavy as the dark from your shoulders. I won't wait for a miracle to happen; I won't sit and question why it has to be me.

I have a river to cross, but I have the equipment I need. I'm not going to let myself down again. I'm going to cross the water of 'what went wrong' and join my friends at the bench under the trees painted in fairy lights. I figured out the answer to a question that I've seen people sit and ask time and time again - "why does it have to be me?" – it has to be you because you don't aim to fix simple problems.

If there's anything I'm grateful for, it's the people who let me know I could fight. I don't mean the people who told me to deal with it, but rather the people that empowered me and enabled me to understand and take control of my situation.

The bottom line to this all is that escaping the thumb that is crushing you is both a choice and not. You need to know there is somewhere to escape to, someone reaching under to help pull you out, but you also need to make the choice to grab their hand and claw your way from under the pressure. Thank you to my crumbs, my trails, my flowers, my reaching hands, my enablers, my equipment, my fairy lights, my willow trees, and my dandelion seeds; you told me there was a meadow to find when I escaped...