Up against the wall

17/04/2020

I hope this sounds right, I always hope these sound right, because if they don't then they don't really help like their supposed to. Either way the point of this is that I'm learning to be okay I guess. I don't mean that I'm learning how to feel better but rather to be okay with what's happening. Here are some of the lesser examples: I'm learning that its okay to not feel anything in particular, it's okay to lose faith, it's okay to feel good when I shouldn't, its okay to feel like shit when there isn't a reason, its okay to feel nothing, it's okay to be sick of feeling nothing.

There are also more important ones, like they fact that its okay to want to feel like the suicidal mess I was this time last year. I've tried to understand why I want that again, because I know I hate it and it feels wrong to want that again. Its the fact that I want to feel something that doesn't feel like its trapped behind glass. Everything is dulled, misplaced and I just can't place how I feel, and I just want to feel something strong that I can name and put in a box. It's just that the thing that I understood and felt the greatest was the terror and peeling feeling of wanting to rip my skin away from myself and not wake up.

I've learned that it's okay to feel unsure about who I am. I always struggle with the idea that I'm just confused about myself. It scares me that I might just be a straight white chick who thinks she swings both ways. But I could also be a gay bitch who's too far in denial to just come out and face the truth, or maybe I don't actually have romantic/sexual attraction and I'm just trying to convince myself that I have the ability to really love someone. Even if I'm not wrong with in saying who I think I am, I still feel like I stick out as some dumb bi bitch who isn't gay enough or straight enough to be worthy of the possibility of love.

I've learned that I can easily lose faith in love. I felt, and one of two things happened, I either wasn't good enough for him to decide that I was worth his time or he was just playing with me because he was bored and trying to be a fuckboy. Either way I don't want to hand myself to anyone because they'll either see me as inadequate and throw me to the dogs or they're going to hurt me and play with me and my loyalty again. I cant feel played like that, but I'm willing for someone to reassure me and prove me wrong, I'm just not going to be the one to make the first move.

I've also learned that its okay to push people away, but you cant expect them to come back.

"Weep little lion man, you're not as brave as you were at the start", I'm always trying to get better but its so slow and I'm so tired and so hurt emotionally. I'm so scared that at any point I just wont be able to improve more. I'm not as brave as the day I decided I could start trying, I feel like I've been reduced to a crawl in comparison. Part of me wants to just leave it here and say that this is good enough and cry myself into oblivion. I drag out every bit of will power and courage I have to keep going, some would say that's strong, I say that's egotistical and that I'm simply not as brave as I was when I began because I'm worn down and tired of trying. What's the point when everyone always just tells me that I'm not trying or I don't want to get better or I should just get over it. I'm tired and I'm crawling and I'm scared of what I can do to myself and if ill push away the people I love most, but nothing hurts more than people telling me to just get over it. There's no finish line, its always going to be a crawl.