Up against the wall

19/2/20

Its 12PM-

I'm fucking around with people I care for... someone's been missing the last couple days because they're sick and it doesn't feel quite right not seeing them on the bus and around the school but I'm overall feeling okay with the people I'm with right now. I'm not always sure if they're home or not but they're good people that I love in a smaller way.

DESCRIPTION: like oranges taste, bitter and sweet; they're juicy and full of life but once the sweetness is gone its all just the blandness of the irrelevant and stale tasting pith.

ITS 1:30PM-

I feel uncomfortable, like I'm forcing something out or forcing words onto myself when I'm not ready. I'm actually just accidentally causing trouble that I don't want to be causing, it kinda makes me want to puke. I don't like feeling uncomfortable or having someone label something I don't have completely figured out yet.

DESCRIPTION: The colour puke green that would come from being pushed off a flying fix to early when you were scared. It's forceful and unsettling, the colour itself makes your stomach turn with hate for what's happening... its ALL internally focused.

ITS 2PM-

I'm feeling irrelevant and scared again. I feel like I can't add anything and that I'm not seen as useful to the people I wish I knew how to talk to better. I feel forgettable... always forgettable; I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be a background character to these people but I don't know how to stop it. I'm not anyone's first pick for anything and the people that are close enough friends with me see me as a responsibility. I don't want to be forgettable, I don't want to be forgotten... please don't forget me.

DESCRIPTION: A mark-less blackboard in an abandoned school. There's so much that could be written on it if only someone gave the time and the chalk to making it beautiful; Instead its just left... doomed to be forgotten until it gets destroyed for another mans dream.

ITS 3PM-

I'm on my way home, someone on the bus talked in my vicinity without one of our regular crowd being there which is the first time in weeks something like that's happened without said person being prompted by me or my main bus girl. I'm just confused as to why they've started trying to be nice again since they pretty much destroyed any idea of us being friend. Despite the confusion, ill take the predominant feeling of that bus over anything he used to give me.

DESCRIPTION: summer afternoon light coming through a window and a clear cleaning spray bottle full of water with the smallest squeeze of lime. Its fresh and non-toxic with warm and relaxed vibes

Its 7:30PM-

Its pouring rain and I'm playing some mid-west emo mix with the door open listening to the rain. I keep sucking in the cool air onto my raw feeling throat from an illness that I've had for the last 5 days. I wish I had someone with my to just relax and share this feeling with in silence, but it really isn't to bad alone.

DESCRIPTION: Roaming the streets on the summer evening with nothing but cool night air keeping you and your lungs company. It would be nice to have someone to share it with but at the same time, its awfully peaceful and pretty alone.

Its 8:30PM-

I'm writing this, I'm looking at what's happened today and feeling it all over again as I'm writing it. My mood is swaying pretty heavy but I'm not sure that I care. Even when I'm brought back to the points that are filled with sadness and fear they aren't to bad because at least I'm feeling something unlike sometimes.

DESCRIPTION: a fish inside a fishbowl filled with cool water. You can only make do with what you give yourself but it isn't to bad because the fishbowl is all you know and maybe this little place can be home if you make It that way.