Up against the wall

Black and white on silver screens

Everything in life

has a dedicated flow

The way the rain changes

And good things glow...

I never had my own motion picture... I was only ever on screen when I was with you. Now that I've been stamped out I feel like the leftover cuts of an old black and white movie, brushed to the side for the sake of something bigger, another person's nostalgia. The glamour of my old dreams feels out of place and decayed without the person I shared them with. You were the director to my editor, you had the visions and put them to life while I was only something not recognized and used for the final result [you]; I was proud to have a part in it. Although I feel sad it's over, people and things change and even if it ended badly I don't regret the time we had

Another that kept me hanging along, I question if I should speak or not because quite simply, I'm not sure if it's what you want or not. I feel like an old chocolate tin, past the date that I should have gone out and only hanging on by the whim of your uncertainty as to whether I'll be needed again. I only want to stay and have you treat me like a plush bear, protected, needed and valued enough to be kept close. I feel like a ghost when I'm around you, not because of myself but because I feel like I'm only half valued and therefore the unnecessary is discarded; half of myself. I'm not asking for you to be honest this time around, because I think your false and pity-filled friendship is the only thing keeping me afloat right now. Break a promise and take me with it.

The only feeling that gets me through anymore is a sad aching nostalgia that reminds me that I've had enough experiences to choose ones to miss. Take me back to my perfect time (18/11/18), nothing was wrong I had my people, no breakage in myself and everything was perfect. I knew it at the time but everything was great I want to go back and I didn't want to leave. No magic could take me back to live in those days when nearly everything was my happy place. Sometimes I close my eyes and go back to some of the few moments I was truly happy if I were to wake up back there and have a redo... maybe things would be better. I want to will myself to keep running, but I can hardly get out of bed anymore.

I feel like a lone white page, empty, lonely and surrounded by many others that might be like me but I've never seen before and probably never will. Let the world continue as it does, I only hope it gets better but I'm losing faith fast and don't know how strong the grip on my power to keep faith is.

-XxSaint