Up against the wall

2 by 4 (Please)

I had it planned out perfectly, nothing could have gone wrong... nothing did. I had a piece of paper with my most beautiful writing on it neatly folded in his locker for the following Monday and the rope neatly coiled up in the cupboard in the corner of my room. The issue wasn't the way it was conducted - that was a success – rather the end plan turned out to be extremely wrong. It was meant to be simple; I would complete the task and fall into a void that was unknowing, kind and cold. The idea was to rid myself of everything that hurt, which other than one sweet exception was everything. I didn't get my void, and I certainly didn't get rid of the pain or the toxic thoughts. What I got was a 2 by 4-inch box for my everything to fit into. Nothing got better, in fact it got worse. I have myself and my thoughts, my panic, my outward hate... my guilt. I've spent what feels like years in the confinement of this claustrophobic box, I've looked over and watched every detail of my life at least 200 times and I've seen where it went wrong. I wish I had have looked to fix it... like everyone else told me to. There are several key differences that I see between death and where I used to be. Here I only have myself, the thing I never wanted, here I never see anything but memory and the four surroundings that I've pondered for so long, here I don't have the only reason I wish I had stayed. God what I wouldn't do to be with him again. I miss him. God what I wouldn't do simply to touch him, to speak to him, fuck to even see him. I don't want to be here anymore; I want to be with my best friend. I want to know he's okay and that he's safe and well. I don't want to be alone, I thought I was alone before, but nothing compares to the isolation without him. I took him for granted by convincing myself that I loved him. I SELFISHLY DESTORYED EVERYTHING BY CONVINCING MYSELF THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT CARED IN THAT RELATIONSHIP. I want my friend back; I want to be there. I don't want this anymore... I thought I did but I hate it, I can't stand my surroundings and what fills them from top to bottom. I hope he hasn't forgotten me. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want him to forget, I don't want to forget what I felt like when he was around. Oh god please don't let me forget. I just want to be with him, let me be with him, Please...

- XxSaint