Up against the wall

3/9/19

Hey kid, I'm writing back again to tell you that I can't sleep anymore. Nothing seems to fit into place and my mind feels like a swarm of angry bees, they can't escape so they just attack me. Remember when I said I knew how to keep everything in control? Well, I was so fucking wrong, because it never stops. I'm ready to catch the train out, to screw off to god knows where and never come back. This feeling, it's not nothing, it's not a cloud, its just swallowing. I can never run; I'm bound at the throat and dragged along by my own anxieties.

I don't know how to describe the feeling, it doesn't have notes and it doesn't have words, it doesn't flow and it doesn't fit like the puzzle piece that everyone wants it to fit. It's reminiscent of watching your best friend breakdown from constant miss treatment. All in all it just seems that no matter how much I put into other people I can never shake the feeling that I simply exist in the fog of my own mind that I can taste; I can taste it when I wake up, when I go to bed, when I sit alone, when I'm surrounded by people. I'm tired, I want it to stop and I want my own aching insides to burn on a pile. This might be my last letter, my next message will be sent from a different place and you know very well why. Don't mourn or cry but don't forget what I was before all this mess happened. I feel my cloud lifting and for the first time, it'll stay gone.

- XxSaint