Up against the wall

Courage,

Courage my fuckin ass. People either see you as a fake or the brave, truth is I'm not either. I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't completely done with this shit, most of the be lying if I told you that I wanted to stay. All the different solutions are around but unfortunately, they're just out of reach; One reason or another may as well just launch my options into outer space. A mix of invalidation, lack of ability to open up and talk and no money to provide the help. In the end, it comes down to 2 paths down a long track made up by a history of anxiety and trauma.

Have I annoyed you yet? One of my best mates is sick of me asking if he's okay. I personally thought the dumb letters, poems and asking if we're still friends would have gotten to him first but to each their own. I guess that that's the first encounter with caring too much... although in hindsight I probably smothered the poor bastard.

I so badly want to go but it all comes down to one thing. If it's on purpose then people think, they over think like I do daily. I don't choose to stay alive out of fear or the idea that tomorrow might be a better day, I simply don't care about that bullshit anymore, I stay because I care. I won't abandon my people, even if I'm simply a side sitter for the most part. I don't want anyone to think it's their fault or to be sad. No suicide note can fix either of those things no matter how much reassurance is given.

The only thing that this shit has given me is an appreciation for the good days which don't come as often as one would like to think but that's okay, at least they sometimes come I guess. My favourite day is Monday, nothing quite like sitting on the bus with someone that makes you remember why you're still here. But hey, don't know if that's ever gonna be a happening thing again...

I'm always worried about screwing up my friendships but in honesty that's what I'm best at even if it is subconsciously. I've gotten a lot of things wrong and I've lost friendships that maybe weren't the best and yet letting them go still stung like a bitch. I question if I've made a shit choice again but then I look at how one friend makes it all better and realise that maybe I didn't fuck up and that we'll always bounce back... at least I hope so.

The point is that I stay for the people around me. I don't care for death or lack of. I wish I could just sleep and not wake up, like the flick of a switch. No one would question it, they'd just pin it on some kind of organ failure, and yeah people might be sad for a couple months but in the end no one would ask questions and no one would blame themselves.

So you know what, I'm here to stay whether I like it or not. I can throw away the notes I've written and rewritten so many times because I'll never use them... even if the intent is ever so present.

Courage,

Courage my ass

Its what ive been forced into

Im forced to stay by the people I love and it's not because they don't want me to leave, it's because I don't want to run the risk of hurting people. Like hell I want to be the one to blame for that, i'd rather live forever...

-XxSain