Up against the wall

Please, Ghost the needle

No one comes to my grave anymore... I've watched so many people move on, and I'm okay with that. I used to be so mad when people forgot me... but then I made my peace with the fact that I was the one to leave there lives. I can feel when they remember me, I feel when they remember for the last time. It starts to build up more and more until it reaches its climax and then in a haze of forgotten memory, I disappear from mind. It's so painless for them but its agony for me because every time someone forgets I'm doomed to feel the rope tighten around my neck and the snap after the fall in slow and aching motion.

The 'physical' aspect hurts but what hurts more is the regret... I wish I didn't do it, I wish I didn't leave.

What hurts more than that still, is the amount of times that I've saved you from your old habits, and the fact that I can't be there to hold you when you wake up in a hospital bed crying realising that you nearly died... I can't comfort you through your own wish for death even if I can feel it.

I've helped a lot of my old friends and most of them have forgotten me by now; some of them hurt more because of physical pain rather than pain of being forgotten, others leave me broken.

I still feel you thinking of me regularly which makes me regret so much harder... but I can feel the time numbering down, it's still a fair way off but every so often I feel the rope get a little tighter and start to hurt. I can tell that the day that you forget me will be the most physically painful yet, it'll ache and it'll hurt and it'll be worse than the day that it happened; it'll be worse than all of the regret and emotional pain from any other person forgetting. It'll hurt because you were the one that nearly made me stay and you were the one I cared about most. It'll hurt because I know when you cross the other side you won't rush and hug me like an old friend... you'll look at me and move to the other people that you remember and miss. I wish for any kind of relief but this time... there won't be a way to stop it, and what we called 'forever after an end' will become me loving you from a distance.

Behind a wall like it felt it was when I was alive. I guess feeling never change when you live amongst the clouds.

-XxSaint