Up against the wall

28/6/19

My head is swimming, trying to win a medal almost... But the thing is it never goes anywhere or says anything different. It just follows the same circles, like the same worn-out swimmer re-living the same race from 40 years ago; Still trying to figure out how he could have won while sitting in his armchair trying to write his will. In the end, he gives no one anything because he never got his hands on his life goal or what he would have given them...

It feels like I'm going after the same person while running backwards on a field track, they might not be moving away but I'm still pulling myself away. Having come close to breaking so many times feeling like nothing can access the fragility of me is something that I'm not used to. If it were possible to be a glass bubble I would probably burst or break myself before you even got close, it might be better to break myself than be crushed by your hands. Ever step or breath near you feels like a leap of faith. But for the love of God, no matter how you feel, don't cut yourself on the remains.

No dream could ever be as good as a reality where I get to say that I'm taken; no jail cell will ever truly be a prison with you by me... but I know that's not where you are because even though I didn't reject you and you haven't rejected me, I've concluded, and its void of any kind of hope. I've come to my own self-induced hell that few can pull me out of.

So sit me on the stairs and slap the sense into me that I need, because maybe I need the only hands ill respond to right now to stop me from killing myself from the inside out. Because I've made the rope and hung it from a multitude of insecurities and I'm ready to kick the chair out from under me.

Maybe ill get a nice burial when I'm done... people bringing up old inside jokes as I sit in the box that ill be in until the worms eat my corpse. Turn me to ashes and spread them on your garden, ill be giving back to you. Maybe as your the flowers grow ill be seen as something more than the worthless mound of aged flesh I feel that I am... I only wish to be with you, in your garden.

I'll be the flower you wear on your wedding day.

Whether or not you'd accept me I won't know as that option has already been taken out of your hands... I've already rejected myself.

- XxSaint