Up against the wall

Now...

I always used to have a problem with people leaving, a problem in itself might I add but it wasn't as bad as the feeling of watching someone walk away. Looking back that was a simple problem. I kind of miss the simple upset and disappointment of having someone run away from me on the playground, unfortunately it seems that as everything progresses my problems are beginning to resemble a ball of yarn unravelled and played with by a small child; in total, they're a mess. I wish I still had playground fights and felt the purity of getting mad at teachers that simply asked for our attention in the classroom, instead I've been released to choices and decisions, fears and feelings that are a fuck-ton more consuming than I ever wanted. This is not what I meant when I said I want to be grown up.

I'm stuck in this whirlwind that never seems to want to settle. I'm Dorothy but I never was in Kansas and I most certainly can not, find home. I don't even really understand the word; home. Ive looked for it in a couple of places, where I used to live, where I currently live and in a whole truck load of people I thought that I could trust.

Where I used to live was one of the least close to home yet. I get that you're meant to have your ups and downs but that was something entirely different. One minute I was gently spinning through life and the next it was someone turning up the speed to try and make me pass out so that I was an easy mugging victim. I was catering to someone else's problems in an effort to stop something unthinkable happening, something I learned would never happen. I was always tired and always burnt out. I guess that happens when you're constantly battling someone's disapproval and manipulation. Not that ill ever call it that to anyone.

Where I live now, its happy and it's warm and I like it here... but its not home. I still have the remnants of where I was and every now and then they surface. It kind messes with me for a second, I always have to scream over the thoughts telling me that I'm just being dramatic and that this is home and I'm being a little bitch as usual.

I looked for home in a couple of people, that was possibly the biggest mistake yet, but I learned. I learned that most people don't give two fucks as to how hard it is for you if its easy for them. Ive let 4 people really have a piece of me. One turned their back on me and refused to help me or themselves when things got hard, they put up walls and went fucking cold and wouldn't have bothered to help if I was on the verge of death simply because they didn't want to talk to me because my every second move was something that seemed to violate their rules of friendship and communication which I had to constantly follow to even be given the time of day. Another simply didn't care, they were always nice and listened to what I had to say but it was always kind of just brushed under the rug. "oh no, don't do that" or "you need to get over it/him/her". Another one simply used me for a bit of entertainment and essentially called me a cry-baby because they never felt shit. My welfare was secondary to boosting their self-esteem by making someone care. You've heard of being two-faced? Well this asshole used to say something that made me feel like I trusted them, like I had a friend and then turned around and said the exact opposite. I thought they were just indecisive but it turns out they knew exactly what they were doing, I've never forgiven them and probably never will because the only way all do that is if they admit that they used me as a game. Unfortunately that would make them look bad and they wouldn't care enough to do that for me.

The last person is the closest I've gotten to home, they spent time making be believe they care and they spent time helping me with everything no matter how simple or stupid it seems to them. I have hope yet that ill find home in them, because I'm so damn close that every so often I feel it. I feel at home for a split second because of them. But that doesn't fix the damage that's been done by my first time trying to find home.

In a sick way I love my external problems. They have a beginning and an end and they can be simply explained and ignored so that they cant hurt no matter ho tough they are. Those are different to the things on the inside, those I can put away and shove in a corner and only deal with them when I want to, unlike the random feelings of just, hurt and sadness and claustrophobia and anger and hate and love and vunrability and constant criticism and yet nothing at all wrapped into one that just come at random times. I can put my problems away, but I can store those feelings so I deal with them. They never stop though. Ill find a way to make them go away, maybe ill find it when I find home, the home I think im coming to has made them disappear for amounts of time here and there, ill just have to wait and find out, but until then ill leave everything that isn't home behind.

I always used to have a problem with people leaving, but now I'm the one walking away.