Up against the wall

my warning label

I'm really fucking sorry and for once I'm not saying that out of nervous habit. I don't know what you were expecting but as you might have figured out, becoming friends with me is like signing a really complex contract. The debilitating social and general anxiety that wreaks havoc over my everyday life and has many fucking weird factors. I'm easily intimidated by literally everyone so when I say your other friends scare me, it's more the dread of thinking what they wouldn't like me for and what they would do in consequence, even if they are genuinely nice people. I will often make things so much harder by actively avoiding things, people and places that I know that I think might make me panicky or uncomfortable. I'll be unnecessarily mean or loud to cover up the fear, or general uncomfortability that I experience in almost every situation. I will somehow manage to make myself 100% sure that you hate me in 5 minutes (1.5 min record) even if I know there is no reason, and no matter if you assure me that you don't 1000 times in the end, I'll need 1001. I'll hyper-ventilate, I'll scream, I'll sob, I'll be lightheaded, I'll be avoidant, my heart will go what seems faster than the speed of light, and no one will notice. I'm always thinking about the next thing to go wrong and I'm never not jumpy or paranoid.

I know that you think that this will all come to a head at some point and that's it, it'll just be over and I won't deal with these fucking disgusting symptoms. I like to think that too, sometimes it just gets me through the night to the point where I either sleep or get up for school the next morning. Other nights the truth of it all really sinks down into my bones and I'll have a panic attack lying in my bed knowing that this constant fear and panic, will never leave me no matter how many times I wish. Remember that when you sign the metaphorical contract, there is no fixing this or me, so the paranoid bitch you get now is what you deal with until you finally get tired. I know you'll get tired of telling me that it's okay, and that you don't hate me, and that we can go the long way around the park, and that you don't hate the way that I grab onto you while walking in a crowded place. You'll get tired of my 'attention seeking' defence mechanisms, or the way I draw a scene with my crying and over reacting at the store attendant that told me that she didn't understand what I was talking about, and by god will you get tired of showing me the fucking breathing exercises that I always seem to forget when I feel like I'm dying. I know you'll get sick of how sensitive I am to the slightest comment you make about not wanting me around at that very moment.

So right now, I want you to walk away and never look me in the eye again, never think about the conversations we might have had and never believe that I might get better... I won't. I don't want you to spend one second thinking about how 'oh she can't be like that all the time' I am and I want you to remember that I'm not just a friend, I'm a clingy, dramatic, scared little girl who needs to be told that you care at least 2 times a day to even stay convinced for more than an hour. I'm more work than a new born that just won't grow up.

So, if by some miracle, you believe that none of these things matter and you know that you won't get tired, I promise you myself and nothing short of my best attempt at keeping you by me through everything. I will drop anything and everything to make you laugh, to see you smile or even just to help you make it through the night. I might not be the best friend that you've ever had, I might not be the funniest or the smartest or the wisest or the clearest but I can bet you that I'll try the hardest to help, ill care the most, I'll be loyal to you in every situation and I won't let you down until the day either you or I die. In time I might just say the thing that I never got far enough to say to anyone.

I won't necessarily be open and I won't always be clear, I won't tell you that I need to hear the words 'you are enough, you are cared for despite your mental health and I will be here till the very end'... ill make you guess until the same anxieties that drove you to hate me prove to true. So, if you choose to stay, you better have the patience of a god because you're in for a long and frustrating fucking journey.