Pulling Your Heartstrings✔

Chapter sixteen

"I met Dennis on the first week of university. We met at the public library and we wanted to read this same book. Our hands touched and I fell. Hard. It was magical to me, and seems as cliché as possible, but it wasn't often that I liked boys, so this was special to me. Dennis and I became close and I hoped that he liked me. I knew I was fat and stout, but a part of me hoped he could see beyond that. It sounds pathetic, doesn't it? I wasn't used to being a source of attention for someone, and yet this mildly attractive guy seemed to give me all that." She paused, to give a deep breath. "Then one day, he told me he was in a difficult situation. That he needed money. The boy I liked, needed something from me, of course I jumped into it. I gave him quite a sum of money, and it drew us even closer. But then he asked for money again and again and again. I knew I was being used, but I didn't want to leave him. I was afraid of losing him, so I let him do just that. Everytime he asked for money, I would secretly make small cuts on my hand, to relive me of the pain I felt, whenever he took me for granted. Crazy, isn't it? Using physical pain to cover up emotional pain. I didn't know what else to do. I was always disgusted with myself, but being with him because he used me, made me a little nuts."

"So one day you decided to commit suicide all of a sudden?"

Imade glared at me. "That's not exactly what happened. Everything just turned out that way."

"Turned out what way?"

"I wasn't trying to kill myself. I swear. It just—" her voice trailed off, as she turned her gaze away from mine.

I touched her arm gently. "I'm listening."

Imade sighed. "I read a text of his and found out that he was going to break up with me, the following them. He was talking about it, with his closest friend, giving details and I was prepared to let go of him. But I wasn't going to end things, without scaring him a bit. I wanted to show him what he turned me into, so I slit my wrists and waited for him to come at the planned time. I wanted him to see what he caused, whenever he took advantage of my feelings, so he would be too scared to do it to another girl again. Except he didn't come, until an hour later. I had already excessively bled out and lost consciousness. Dennis found me and took me to the hospital. After getting treated, my situation had been ruled out as an attempted suicide, and it was then I lost the trust of my parents and began to reshape my life."

"But you didn't completely reshape your life. You still cut."

"Only when I'm frustrated or troubled or stressed."

"But that's not healthy." I added, softly.

Her shoulders dagger down and Imade shifted her gaze to her fidgety hands. "It's the only way I know how to deal with it best."

"There are others ways and you know it, but you'd rather do something that would make you feel more sorry for yourself, than to get better." I said, cautiously. I didn't want her to assume that I thought badly of her past decisions.

"What happened to your talk on being non judgemental?"

I quickly assured her. "I'm not judging you. I'm reading your emotional cues. I'm just say what your heart already knows."

Imade sighed, and ran her fingers through her hair. She sat herself on the floor and I sat close to her. "I'm a coward. I'm always been running away from things, since I was a little girl, but the truth is that, I don't know what to do with my life."

"Sometimes not having a plan, is what you need right now. I love you, Imade. You need to know that you're not unlovable." I told her. The softened look in her eyes, made me pull her into a side hug.

Her eyes watered. "I know that. Victor showed me that. That's why I want him around. He's good for me."

I winced. This was all the proof I needed to know that she didn't need to know the truth about Victor. It would destroy what was left for her, and I wouldn't let that happen. "Be good to yourself and your body. It deserves that much."

"How can I do that?"

"By embracing it. I hated that I liked to control things, but I never hated myself. I knew who I was, and I've been working hard to be better. You need to work hard too. Things in this world aren't just going to change, because you're a good person. You'll meet liars, cheats, haters, fakers, thieves and many more. It's up to you, to make yourself better, despite it all. We all have our journeys to make. It's never the same routes, but the right decisions leads us to one path."

Imade whispered. "The path of happiness?"

I repeated, slowly. "The path of happiness. To some it might take a short time and to others, it would be a long damn road. But when you get there, it would be worth it. Trust me."

Imade smiled at me. "That's quite the speech. Thank you."

"Anything for my soul sister." She was my best friend and I didn't want to lose her over anything.

Imade sighed. "I really don't think I can stay for the party. I'm not ready to see any—"

I understood what she meant and was willing to comply. "You have every right to miss it. Your mental health is far more important than meeting up people that rarely cared about you. I'll just tell them that you have the flu or something. I'll just stay here with you, till it's all—"

She cut in. "No. Go, please. I need some time to myself and I want you to enjoy yourself. You like this party and you deserve to indulge yourself sometimes, instead of worrying about me."

"But you're—"

Imade's firm shake of her head bobbed the springy dark curls of hair around. "A twenty five year old woman, who needs time alone to clear her head, right now. Go, it'll be fine. I just need this."

I sighed, and hugged her, once more.  I breezed myself out of the room and went back to the party.