Love me the way I love you

25

Gia

It's been a long while until I was able to be okay and think straight. What I mean by a while it took about four months, so now it's about September.

Since the album recently released and we been doing interviews, Ashton decided that he wants to interview us individually and have a one on one conversation for our YouTube.

Currently we were in our hotels in Vancouver, Ashton opened the door to his room and I walked in. "I can't believe you seriously made me walk out of the room for this, just for me to come back in" I laughed.

He shut the door and I sat at the table and he sat across from me with his phone recording me. "How you doing?" He asked.

"This is so weird. Why can't you just sit next to me? You sat next to Luke" I told him feeling weirded out.

Ashton chuckled and got up sitting next to me and adjusting the camera "Because girls have cooties and I don't want your cooties."

I rolled my eyes and got comfortable. "Anyways, I feel decent- it's just a weird day for me today" I said answering his questions.

"It is, I think it's this weird adjustment from being surround by cameras and they instantly go away once we get to our rooms" he added. "What would make today a good day?"

I thought about it "I don't know. Lately, I don't think I have had good days anymore. It's just blah days or crappy days and I think I'm holding myself back from being genuinely happy. If I was really open with myself and stuff, I'm sure I would have much better days."

"You told me that earlier today about that, how you don't think you're being your true self which is why you don't feel happy. What would be your true self?"

I just shrugged "I think I'm still growing and trying to overcome my mind and understand my mind, it kinda feels like I'm lost in a way and I'm trying to learn about myself... it's difficult to do that when being in this position we are in, aka the public eye, is putting pressure on us to act, talk, and be a certain person" I paused and tried to figure it out. "I know who my old self was because I could just go see videos of me laughing or being an ass or cracking jokes. But I don't think I know who I am right now. I kinda feel like I'm trapped in a mind that doesn't belong to me. I kinda don't feel anything like I'm numb and that probably sounds crazy."

"Because you're crazy like that" Ashton said with a funny voice then laughed putting his hand on my shoulder. I laughed shaking my head. "I totally get what you're saying. You're only what 22-23 years old and you're trying to be your own person, but media and stuff is putting pressure and not allowing you to make mistakes. Do you think that we'd still be this person we are today if we weren't air quote celebrities?"

I sighed and thought about it. Probably not. "I don't think so, obviously it would be different. Being in the spotlight, it brought in things that I didn't deal with before. And I feel like I'm suppose to have the perfect body, thin waist and flat stomach, and the problems I'm dealing with mentally was caused by me. It turns the tables and points the finger at yourself. I think I was less likely to deal with anxiety, depression, drug abuse and alcoholism, and eating disorders if I was just the girl playing guitar outside a restaurant. All the little things I dealt with like having fat legs or some rolls wasn't as much as a big deal until someone mentions how fat I am or says she has all the money she should get lyposuction, then that takes full affect."

Ashton nodded and gave me a soft smile "Yeah... that always gets me. Knowing that there could've been a life where it would be different and be mentally healthier, it's makes me think sometimes if it's worth it."

"Yeah, I always think about that. All the could've been is what I want to know, but that's when it gets really tough. For me to get through tough days I try to see the greatness that comes out of it, if I stayed in Italy I would have never met the love of my life and my soulmates. I hold onto that knowing that the best thing that's came out of being in the band is the relationship and chemistry between all of us, I think that's all I need to know that it's worth the toll..." I looked at Ashton for a second. "It's definitely worth it, i get to do what I love with the boys I love the most in this world."