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by cassiopeiadoris

by cassiopeiadoris

we stood there in silence for what felt like hours but was more like a matter of seconds.

'I'm guessing you know why I - uh didn't want to go in' said gabriel, breaking the silence.

'oh um. yeah. I kinda guessed.' I replied.

god y/n, what are you doing?

'so where are you from, you don't sound american?' he asked.

it was a valid question.

'I'm from the UK' I replied, 'so, no, I'm not from America.'

'cool.' he said.

god this was actually painful to hear.

I looked down at the floor and shuffled my feet around, kicking up dust and just giving myself something to do instead of just standing there, still.

'why, um,' I began, I'd been wondering this since they began to trust him and needed to get it off my chest, 'why didn't you tell them? you've been misleading them. all of them.'

he turned his head to the floor and faced away from me.

'hey.' I said, almost shouting, but not quite, 'look at me when I ask you a question. then I can tell if you're lying.'

after a moment he turned back around to face me.

he looked me dead in the eye and without hesitation he said, 'I care about them. and if you had an ounce of empathy, you would have guessed that.'

I stepped back.

'I wish I could tell them. but right now I want them to see me how I am, not how I was. I don't want them to worry about me hurting them or them being put into prison just for knowing me. I want them to feel safe around me because - no matter how douchey they can be at times - I will never ever hurt them. ever.'

he let down his stare and walked round the tree to the other side.

' I-I'm sor-' I said.

' there is no sorry.' he snapped

I felt guilt spreading over every inch of my body until it was all I felt.

------

there's a John green book - Turtles All The Way Down - which tell the story of a girl called aza. it depicts things that you can't describe, in ways that make sense. there's one where she points out that she feels like there is a spiral tightening around her. and it just gets tighter and tighter until she realises, that she is the spiral. she is the cage that traps herself there.

that's how I felt.

it wasn't a spiral - everyone in my life - tightening around me. it was me. it was me letting things that mean absolutely nothing stop me from doing everything.

and it wasn't Gabriel's fault.

I was just too caught up in myself to realise that it was me. it was me stopping myself from trusting.

it was my cage. and I'd lost the key.