Amanda's Rape

I'm Not Worth It..

I woke up the next morning feeling drowsy.. My head was sore and so was "down there". In an instant a flashback occurred. I snapped out of it realizing Olivia was sitting right next to me. She was still half asleep. I didn't want to wake her so I just turned on the TV. Nothing good was on considering it was 6:00 in the morning. I turned off the TV and grabbed a book that was sitting on the bedside table. "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" by J.K. Rowling. I wasn't much of a Harry Potter fan but I decided to read it anyways. I opened the book and began to read. The first chapter was actually pretty good. I never thought it would be. I continued to read more. I got to about chapter 3 by the time Olivia had woken up. She looked at me and smiled.

Olivia: Morning. How ya feeling?

She yawned widely.

Me: Oh you know...like I just got raped.

She gave me a glaring look but knew I was upset and angry so she didn't say anything.

Olivia: Amanda. This is all my fault. If only I had drove you home last night. This is all my fault...

Me: Olivia. This isn't your fault it's mine. I should've stayed at the precinct in the bunks. This wouldn't've happened if I did. I'm such an idiot!

Olivia: Amanda. You were tired. You had stayed at the precinct all week in those damn bunks! You just wanted to sleep in your own bed for once. I understand.

Me: I know but...

Olivia cut me off.

Olivia: Not buts about it.

Soon after our conversation, someone knocked on the door and entered. It was breakfast. They also had a tray for Olivia.

Pancakes and sausage. I hope its good. I could really use a good thing right now. But you know as hospital food always is, it tasted like crap. When we finished eating they came back for the trays and left. About an hour later I was discharged from the hospital at 8:00.

Olivia and I exited the hospital and got in her car. My head was spinning. I started to tear up. I burst into tears. I slammed my arms and head down on the dashboard. Olivia jumped.

Me: WHY?! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?! I CANT BELIEVE THIS! I HATE MY LIFE!

Olivia: Amanda! THIS-IS-NOT-YOUR-FAULT! HE is the one who raped you. It was HIS stupid decision! Don't ever blame yourself!

I sat there with tears streaming down my face. I was hyperventilating. Olivia hugged me to calm me down. It helped a little but not much. She drove me to my apartment and took me up the stairway to the 3rd floor.

Olivia: Do you want me to stay with you?

Me: Um...come back in about an hour.

Olivia: Ok.

She walked down the hallway and back down the staircase. I turned and opened my door. I walked back into my bedroom and flopped onto the bed. I lay there for 5 minutes before I got up and changed my clothes. I took of the clothes the hospital had given me and changed into a pair of blue jeans, and a red long sleeves sweater. I walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water. I was thirsty after my huge meltdown. All of a sudden, a flashback. A flashback of him slamming me against the wall, pulling down my pants and raping me. I snapped back into reality. I had horrible depression and anxiety now. I didn't know what to do. I opened the fridge and grabbed a beer. I opened it and chugged it. I got another. And chugged it. I kept getting more and more until I had drank like 8 cans. After that, I felt even worse. I couldn't take it any longer. I grabbed a knife from the drawer and cut my wrists. I collapsed to the floor. I wanted all of it to go away. All the pain, all the sorrow, all the flashbacks, I wanted to go away. I wanted to die. I hated life. I saw myself as just some idiot that lets a man rape her. I was no use to the world. Why can't all of this just end?!