Amanda's Rape

Confessions

I cried all the way one our walk home. I went through the front door and sprinted to the bathroom locking the door. I undressed and stepped in the shower. I turned the water up to maximum heat. I sat on the floor of the shower with my knees pulled tight into my chest. I was crying harder than ever and I started thinking to myself.
"That man was sent to kill me..."
15 minutes later I was still sitting on the shower floor. Thinking. Crying. Nick must've noticed the steam coming out from under the door because he started rapping on the door.
Nick: Amanda? Sweetheart? Are you okay?
I didn't reply. I tried to but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth.
Nick: Amanda?!
I still didn't answer.
Nick: Oh dear god...please tell me she didn't hurt herself.
He busted down the door and sprinted over to the shower. He turned off the water and picked me up. He carried me out the bathroom and into the bedroom. I was still crying. I was crying so much I thought I was going to run out of hydration.
Nick: Shhhhhhh. Calm down baby. Calm down. Shhh it's okay I'm here, I'm here. Everything will be alright. Just breathe.
I started calm down a little bit. Knowing that Nick was there holding me in his arms made me feel secure. I sat there in his arms for over what felt like hours until I finally calmed down.
Nick: You're okay. I've got you.
Me: Nick...I love you so much. I have since the day we met.
Nick: I love you too babygirl.
I got up and put pajamas on and went out into the kitchen for a bottle of water. As soon as I entered it, I had a flaw back to a few days ago.
A flashback of me guzzling down cans of beer, cutting my wrists, laying on the floor crying. A tear streamed down my face as I snapped back into reality. I was so out of it I didn't even notice Nick standing right in front of me trying to talk to me.
Me: I'm sorry...what?
Nick: I said are you alright?
Me: Yeah. Yeah. It's just nothing.
It was just then he noticed the healing cuts on my wrists. He stared at me in shock and I quickly pulled down the sleeves of my pajama shirt.
Nick: Amanda....why would you do that??? When did you do that?
Me: I just couldn't take it anymore Nick. I did it after I came home from the hospital the day after my attack. I had so much anxiety and depression. I had to feel better somehow.
Nick: Baby...why didn't you call me?
He was on the edge of tears and I was too.
Me: Because I didn't want to bother you because you were at the precinct...
Nick: You would not have bothered me! Amanda when I got that rape kit a part of me died. I couldn't believe it. And when you were on that bathroom floor crying, I wanted to lay there, hold you in my arms and cry with you.
Me: Really? You don't mean that...
Nick: Babygirl yes I do! I love you 'til death do us part!
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know Nick felt that way. Why didn't he tell me that?
Me: Nick...I don't even know what to say...
Nick: You don't have to say anything.
He pulled me closer to him and kissed me. That was the best I've felt in the last week. I put my arms around him, giving him a gentle hug. I never wanted to let go. I wanted to stay like that forever.