Sophomore Year

3. Invisible

WARNING: Do not continue if you aren't comfortable with any of the topics said before.

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After awhile, I became suicidal. School didn't matter, but at the same time it did. I was kicked out of Hailey's, and I was back with my dad. I had fits of anger when I was alone that nobody had known about. When I had these fits, I would often throw things across the room, tear everything out of my closet, break whatever I could find, and leave myself alone on the floor to cry. Dr. Barns and I didn't talk much because I pushed her away, so I didn't confide in her anymore. I was alone in my mind. Trapped in a very dark place that nobody was aware of. Getting up and moving became a struggle, and I wanted nothing to do with school, softball, people, and life in general. I didn't want it anymore. Along with everyone else, I lost myself.

My dad never noticed how I'd stay in my room all day in the dark listening to music. He never noticed how alone I had felt. He never noticed how sad I was. Nobody ever noticed the days I wouldn't talk to anyone nor text anyone. I kept to myself. Just barely hanging on. If I reached out for help, I'd be seen as an attention seeker. My uncle has told me before, but if he knew even half of it. Dr. Barns told him one day I was thinking of suicide, so he thought it was really stupid and made me out to be terrible. Yet again, no one, not a single soul noticed the new markings I would leave on my body. No one really noticed because who would want to deal with such a sad person who wants nothing more but to die.

In just a short time span, I lost ten pounds. It was noticeable; therefore, I was happy and wanted to lose more. Everyone was happy for me, but little did they know how I was losing it all. At school, a group of girls in my fifth period use to pick on me because of my weight. I'm very self-conscious about my body. Though I was going down into a very dark hole, my grades looked so good that nobody would have thought how badly I was treating myself.  I had great friends, and I had a great teachers I could talk to. I pushed them all away because all I did was focus on the bad stuff happening to me. It all came crumbling down, and who was I to build it back up?

My whole life people left, people bullied, people blamed, people beat, people used, and people looked down on. I clearly didn't matter to anyone. School became difficult for me. I didn't feel wanted by my so called friends at the time. They didn't want a sad friend, so who would blame them. I kept to myself most of the time because I was normally ignored, especially by Lindsay. I worked hard during class, and I surprisingly kept my grades up. After school, I skipped practice to meet a friend. This friend was named Alison. She and I weren't close, but she seemed to enjoy my company. We got plastered, and I didn't regret that one bit. The sensation of the vodka burning my throat and my stomach was all I wanted in that moment. One shot became two shots, and from two shots came 8 shots. Alison and I were too drunk to even stand. She had reached over to grab a bong and some bud. Losing track of time, we got high as well as drunk. We woke up at what felt like midnight, but it was the time for us to go to school. Surprisingly, my dad didn't realize I was gone.

A little high and a little drunk, we both walked to school. The smell of vodka and weed was stronger than the perfume we tried to use. For the first time in awhile, I was mentally at school, I was happy, I was laughing, I was cracking jokes, and I was in no need of wanting dying. I wanted nothing more but to feel this way forever. The weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I did what I wanted without a care in the world. Surprisingly, not one teacher had noticed the smell of vodka and weed. Half way through the day, it had worn off, and I was back to myself. The hangover came, and I wanted to just sleep.

"Hey, Lindsay. Are you okay?" Mr. Willis asked. "You look tired."
I looked up at Mr. Willis and looked back at my paper. I began working on it after he left my table.

After class, Mr. Willis stopped me, "Is everything okay?" He asked. "You don't seem like yourself today."
"Would you like the truth?"
"I'd appreciate it if you were truthful," he said.
"Yeah. Well, no I'm not okay, but that doesn't matter to anyone really."

He frowned and had a sad look in his eyes as I began to leave the class.

"I'll see you tomorrow. If you need to talk, you can come to me," Mr. Willis said.

I was going to get plastered again with Alison, and I was hoping that the drinking wouldn't end. The only thing I wanted to end in that moment, was me.