Sophomore Year

11. Shocker

WARNING: This chapter mentions self-harm and suicide. If you are bothered by this, I advise you to stop reading.

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Blake and I got to my sister's house at 3:30a.m. I went to take me a shower, and Blake just so happened to hop along. As I attempted to rinse my body, Blake kept pulling me close to him. "Lindsay?" Selena called. I jumped out of fear. "Y-Yes?" I began to get very nervous because Blake was in with me. "Do you know where Blake is?" She asked. "Um, no. I figured he would have gone to bed by now." She left without saying anything else, and I got out of the shower. Blake and I ended up sleeping on the couch together. We slept most of the day Saturday because of how long we were awake. Blake has to leave , and Baleigh and I went to watch a movie upstairs. I felt a wave of sadness go right through me. "Uh, I'll be right back," I said. Baleigh nodded and continued to watch the movie. I went down the stairs to the bathroom and I started to pace back and forth. I wasn't sure why I was starting to panic but I just was. Ten minutes pass and I calmed down. I decided not to go back upstairs, so I went outside to sit on the porch. Selena came outside and sat by me. "Lindsay. You won't like this," she said. I stood up and gave her a look that showed I wasn't comprehending. "I can't get you to school. Baleigh can't either. I think you might have to find somewhere else to go. I'm so-," I cut her off. "Yeah. You're sorry. So was Hailey, okay. So was Bubba. Uncle T and Aunt T were. All y'all got me out of the house one way, and it's really making me feel lost and abandoned. I'm tired of looking for places to go all the time," I expressed. "Lindsay, I real-," I cut her off again. "You don't have to say anything. You know, I've actually gotten use to going from house to house. It sucks. I'm sixteen years old, and I'm being thrown out like an old toy!" I was so angered.

I stormed back inside and put all my things away into a duffel bag. I put the duffel bag, my back pack, and another bag by the front door. I found a pencil sharpener and I broke it to get the blade. One cut, two cut, 13 cuts more. I cut multiple times and a few were too deep. I didn't care. I was hoping for the worst to come out of this. "Where are you going?" Baleigh asked I walked out of the bathroom. I turned to look her really fast.  You could see in her face she regretted asking. "I actually don't know yet." Baleigh didn't really care. She wasn't too happy I was there in the first place.  I wasn't sure where I was going. I couldn't call Hadley because she was in a hospital. I didn't know who to ask. My dad called me but I ignored him. Hailey called me too. "You're dad is trying to find you," Hailey said. "Find me?" I asked. "I'm at Selena's. Where would he expect me to be?" She didn't reply. After five minutes, she gave me the usual lecture.

After a long while of thinking, I remembered my friend MaKara. I met MaKara in Chemistry at the beginning of the school year. We became friends because I knew one kid in that class and his name was Destin. I saw him and sat with him and MaKara. After that, MaKara and I became friends. She had a funny sense of humor and had a way of comforting people when they were down. She was a big help during that class when I barely understood anything that was going on. I had times that I'd fall asleep, and when told to wake me up, she'd let me sleep anyway disregarding what Mr. Willis said.

I decided to text MaKara because she had told me if needed, they could possibly help. "hey. I might end up taking you up on that offer. My sister can't get me to school, and her sister doesn't really want me to be here," I said. MaKara and her mom came and got me from my sister's an hour or two later. We drove to my dad's and got a lot of my stuff because he didn't want to lose it all. MaKara and I talked for awhile that night, and I appreciated her and her family for taking me in. I was hoping I wasn't a bother to her. She told me I could tell her mom about my arm, but I felt that I'd be judged and once again, thrown out.

The next day at school, April 8th, I wasn't feeling good. In third period, I sat down. "Lindsay, are you okay? Do you need to go to the nurse?" Mr. Marloah asked. "Oh no. I feel fine physically."
"Would you like to go to Mrs. Gibson?" He asked. I ended up going to Mrs. Gibson.

"Hey. I'm not sure what to do, but I was told I should come down here so here I am," I said. We sat in silence for a couple of minutes. "So what's going on, Lindsay?" Mrs. Gibson asked. I explained to her my situation and how I was stressing out about everything. "Let's do box breathing," she said. "Do you know what that is?" She showed me what that was and once again asked me to do it. "I don't feel like breathing," I mumbled. I don't think she heard me. "You know, I just don't want to be here," I said. "I don't think anyone wants to be here on a Monday," Mrs. Gibson said. I looked up at her with a serious look on my face. I looked back down and said, " I don't want to be anywhere." I wasn't sure if she heard that either, but I felt like I wasn't getting my point across or she just wasn't hearing me out. "Can I go to class?" I asked.

I walked back to third, and Desha asked me, "Are you okay?" I began to cry because I wasn't okay, and I just tried to attempt to tell our guidance counselor but I didn't. "I feel like Mrs. Gibson wasn't hearing me out," I said. She calmly asked, "why?" I didn't want to get stares so I didn't talk very loud. "I want to die," I mumbled. Desha looked at me. I hoped she didn't hear me along with anyone else nearby. She soon asked to go to the guidance counselor. "Which one?" Asked Mr. Marloah. "Mrs. Gibson," Desha said. It was then I realized she heard what I said and was about to go report me. "Don't be surprised if you get called back down," Desha said. "And tell them to not be surprised if I don't come down," I snapped back. The rest of the period I spent aloof from everyone else. I said enough. I was done with everyone and everything. I wanted nothing more to do with life. I went into my fourth period expecting to be called down to the office and to my surprise, I didn't. I didn't talk to Ellison or Lindsay much during class. I didn't want to make any contact with anyone.

The bell rang and I went to fifth period. We were doing something with art, and I was almost down with mine. The phone started to ring I knew who it was right away. "Lindsay, Mrs. Gibson needs you," said Mrs. Nicholson. I nodded, but I stayed in my seat talking to Malee and Rylee. I was writing a suicide note as well. They didn't notice so it was okay. "Lindsay. Go to the office," Mrs. Nicholson said. I looked at her and smiled. "I have to finish my project, and I know what it's about. It's nothing important." She walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. "You have to go. We are required to have you go down there, or a teacher will have to come get you and make you go." Well that's a shocker. She walked off and I stayed seated. I continued to write my letter until I was interrupted. "Lindsay, I'm being serious. You have to go," demanded Mrs. Nicholson. I ended up getting up and leaving the classroom dreading the conversation I was about to have with Mrs. Gibson.