Sophomore Year

16. Complications

You might already know what to expect.

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Myra and my dad set up a family that was suppose to be at 2p.m. on Monday. I did my usual. I walked up to the front to get my contacts, and I saw Hadley. She was back. She talked to me about why and how she got sent back. I felt bad because I told Dr. B I didn't think she was ready. I guess the staff thought that I only wanted her to stay since we were best friends. "Lindsay, go see the doctor," Stacey said. I walked into his office and closed the door. He asked how I was and put his hand out to shake mine. "Are you okay?" He asked. "I mean, I guess. I'm nervous about the family meeting."  Dr. B explained to me how the meeting would go and I listened.

"Did you think Hadley was ready to leave?" He asked me. I looked at him a bit annoyed. Now he decides to be serious with me? "No. I told you that too. Did Emma talk to you?" He looked at me confused as I mentioned Counselor Emma. "No. She didn't," he said. "Was she suppose to?" I was a little bit upset Emma didn't talk to Dr. B about their conversation a few nights ago. "I'm not sure exactly what was said, but I know Hadley mentioned that she was okay and that she wasn't ready." He sighed. "I'm worried about you and Hadley," he said. "It's both of you girls second admission to a facility in a short amount of town." He looked away from me to him desk. "Do you think you're ready?" I was surprised he asked and I hoped he would actually listen. "In my opinion, no. I'm not ready."
"Why do you say that?" He asked. "I still want to die. I still think about suicide daily." I debated whether or not to show him my left arm. I did. "What is this from?" He asked. "When did this one appear?" I hesitated for a second, "I did here." He looked at me surprised. They practically made it impossible to harm yourself in any here. The hospital was the best around. "How did you do this?" I told him how, and he gave me a lecture.

I left his office and went back to group. I told Hadley about the talk I had with Dr. B. During one of our mini breaks, Hadley, Cayden, and I were talking. "Do you like her?" He asked me. I hesitated. Hadley didn't seem to notice so I was relieved. "No. She's my best friend." Hadley gave her answer too. We dropped the conversation and went onto something else. Hadley was on B side this time, so she wasn't at the night group with us anymore. "You know how I said I didn't like Hadley?" I asked Cayden. He nodded and I smiled. "I like her, but I didn't want to say it with her there." His face lit up, and he got excited. "Can I tell her?" He asked. "I mean, yeah, but not when I'm paying attention," I said. He agreed with my request and continued to talk about Hadley. I was afraid he would tell her and then not get the reaction I hoped for.

It came to the time of my family meeting. 2:15p.m. I assumed that my dad and Myra were talking with each other first. 2:30p.m. By then, I knew he didn't show up. I began to tear up. I saw Myra walk to the nurses area. "Lindsay," Myra said as she waved for me to come to her. As she called me over there, I just started to bawl. How could a parent not show up for their kid. "Your dad hasn't shown up. Do you know why he would have done that?" I looked at the ground as I cried and shook my head. "I knew you wouldn't take this well. I'm sorry." She gave me a hug and I went back to the group room. It came to time to go to gym. Stacey called the names, and I didn't want to go at the time. She stayed behind with me and she talked to me about my dad. Still crying, I explained how hurt I felt. We talked for fifteen minutes and she asked if she could hug me. I told her yes. I could tell Stacey cared and it was nice to know that someone cared to hear what I had to say. Stacey helped me become more confident about expressing how I feel.

The next day after I told Cayden, he talked to her about it. I knew what he was doing once he walked over to her, so I carried on a conversation with Annie who was beside me. Cayden was talking to her for about five minutes, and I was getting nervous. If the staff found out, Hadley and I would be on peer-restriction. Meaning we can't talk or be close to each other. After B side left to eat lunch, Cayden told me Hannah didn't believe him. I assured her we were being serious, but she still didn't believe us. "I swear y'all are playing with me," she said. "No. We aren't. I actually do. I wouldn't joke about something like this," I said.  That night on our way to our rooms after supper, she told me she liked me to. "So we're talking, question mark?"
"Yes, exclamation mark!" I said
I went to my room and got so happy. For group that night, we didn't do anything, so I went to Cayden and told him. I was so happy. I was smiling a lot. Hadley came to make a call to her mom, and I told her to tell her hi for me.

The rest of the night, I was in my room writing about whatever came to mind. I wrote a lot while I was there. I went to bed around three in the morning, so my nurse gave me trazedone to help me sleep. For a couple of nights, it didn't help, but after awhile it kicked in. At night, I got very sad. I was normally helping people feel good letting them know they can do it and I believed in them. It took my mind off of me. I still don't know how I am. I'm better, but it's difficult.