Sophomore Year

7. The Attempt

WARNING: This chapter talks about suicide and self-harm. If you are bothered by those topics, I advise you to not read on.

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Friday comes, and it's the last day before spring break. Mrs. Gibson let me know that I can contact her if needed, and she told me to reach out for help when I needed that as well. I was staying at Hadley's that night. Hadley was my best friend, and I loved her company. We didn't do much, but we had a lot of fun. We were talking with Malee at one point and we just started laughing. Sprite went everywhere. It was so funny in the moment. The next morning, my dad came and got me. We went home and I stayed in my room texting Hayden and writing. I started feeling gloomy, so I e-mailed Mrs. Gibson. I took a shower afterwards, and I cut. I felt a little relief. I braided my hair when I got out and went to bed.

Sunday March 17, I kept myself aloof from everyone. I didn't leave my room, I didn't talk to anyone unless I had to, and I slept most of the day. I e-mailed Mrs. Gibson letting her know how I was feeling.

"I feel lost, sort of empty? I don't know if I feel anything right now. I just don't care anymore about anything at the moment. " I said. "I just don't want to be here. I thought about it, if I don't do anything this week, I might later on. I'm not very sure when. I mean I could this week but I don't know. I can't do it anymore. at least that's how I feel. I don't really see me making it anywhere. I feel unwanted everywhere I go."
"Lindsay, I am so sorry to hear these words. I know you are struggling to see your worth. You have been mistreated, treated as one without worth. Please hear me when I say that you ARE worthy."
I began to tear up as I kept reading onto the end.
"Are you in danger?" She said. "Please respond to me with an answer to this question."

Was I in danger? In that moment, I didn't know.

"To answer your question, I'm unsure if I'm in danger. I'm just very upset & thinking about it," I replied.

I thought about it all day. Planning it out. I was waiting till it got dark. Mrs. Gibson wouldn't know. Nobody would. I wouldn't let anyone know. Mrs. Gibson and I talked a lot. Later after we stopped, I got pills ready. I was going to do it. I texted Hadley and let her know I appreciate her. I also texted Raven. They didn't think about it. I ended up texting my social worker, and I told her what I was planning. After I told her, I locked myself in the bathroom and took the pills I had planned to use. After I took them all, I sat on the floor feeling myself drift off slowly. A knock came to the door.
"Lindsay?" My dad asked.
I didn't respond. I couldn't.
"Lindsay, are you okay?" He asked. "Your social worker texted me."
Another knock came to the door, but it was louder this time. By now, I felt done. I was there, but I wasn't. The next thing I knew was that I was in the ER. I was confused. I didn't understand why I was awake. I asked for my dad to leave the room. He ended up leaving. I was drowsy and tired. I didn't understand why I was still alive. I began to cry and the nurse came.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" She asked.
"No. No, I'm not okay. I'm not suppose to be here!"
"It's okay. You're okay now."
I began to look at my IV, and I took it out. The nurse ran over to me and had to make me calm down.

I woke up the next day, the 18th. I was somewhat there. I was so tired. I was going to be transferred to a facility. We waited all day to hear back from different facilities to know if they had open beds. St Vivian had a bed. It was right across from the hospital I was in. I got my things I came with, and they wheel-chaired me to St Vivian. I got up to the adolescent unit, and the other kids were at lunch. My assigned nurse, Laurel, began to take my vitals and ask questions. Once we got done with that, she took me to my room. I later had to switch rooms because they were doing construction on the side I was on.

Some of the other girls, my nurse, and I sat in the hall and we talked. They all seemed sweet, but they weren't really. I went to a group, and we got an index card.
"You will write your triggers, contacts, and warnings," said Andrea.
Andrea was the lady leading the group that day.

The rest of the day went by really slow. I had a roommate. This girl was so rude. We didn't get along very well. Because of this, we had to get new roommates, and needless to say, I liked my new roommate a lot better. My days consisted of groups, reflection time, snack, and gym. Each one was different because of the groups. One of the MHS (Mental Health Specialist) was named Jerome. He was a big guy, but he was so funny. I had found an eraser one day, and I decided to eraser burn my wrist. No one noticed it, so I was okay.

My last night, which should not have been my last night honestly, my roommate and I had an ice pack that you pop the thing in the middle.
"We could drink this," she said.
I thought about it and agreed. I then said no because I wanted her to get better, but I wasn't changing her mind. When bedtime came, we popped the bag and poured the liquid into two cups. Ronni, another MHS, was doing Q15.
"Hey, Ronni?" asked my roommate. "What happens if we drink this?"
"Absolutely nothing. Someone tried before," he said. My roommate and I looked at each other and drank the liquid halfway. 15 minutes go by and here comes Ronni.
"Hey! We drank it," my roommate told him.
"Okay," he said. He paused when he was closing the door, and he looked at me on the floor.
"Did y'all really?"
"Yes. That's why I'm cleaning the floor," I said. "See, there's the cups."

Ronni walked to get the cups, and he dumped them out. He took the ice pack we popped as evidence that we did it. He left the room, and I made eye contact with my roommate. He came back and brought us to the front. He began to take our vitals, and he had to write a report. He also told our doctors. Our vitals weren't good. He made us throw the liquid up, and the staff went to our room and took all of our things. We were put on eyesight. I ended up leaving the next day even though I wasn't ready.
"Why don't you think you're ready?" ask Dr. Jevi.
A bit confused as to why he'd ask that I said, " Uh, because of last night."
"Help me understand that."
"Um, what's there to understand?" I asked. "I was trying to kill myself."
"Well, the team and I talked about it, we think you are ready. You have been great all week." I rolled my eyes in disbelief. He wasn't hearing me out.

"I'll probably be back. Maybe not at this one, but possibly another. I said I wasn't ready," I said.