Sophomore Year

13. The First Night

WARNING: This chapter contains hospitalization, and it mainly describing sexual assault/molestation. The molestation/rape/sexual assault is fully explained and detailed. If you are bothered by this, I advise you to not read.

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We arrived to the Skyline Jackson around 10:30p.m. The paramedics pushed me into the building on the stretcher until I got to the lobby. Left with only a blanket, I sat waiting for a lady to come speak with me. Impatient, I began to pace back and forth and rolling my eyes. The woman had a detector that would go off if I have any kind of metal like weapon. She scanned up and down my body along with my hair. She asked a couple of questions in which I was obligated to answer. "Would you like a snack?" She asked me when we were done. "Um, no thank you. I'm okay." She went back to her office and told me we were waiting for the Skypo-doc to call. "We hope to admit you before 2:00a.m because that's when Skypo-doc is off." I looked at her and back to the clock. 11:08p.m. "Okay," I said. "How long does it take for them to call?"
"Normally they take their time. We never know," she said. I slouched because I could feel this was going to be a long night.

The doctor was finally ready close to 1:30a.m. I went to a small room where I sat in from of a computer waiting to be connected to the doctor. I basically went through the same thing. He asked me questions. A lot. For an unknown reason, we disconnected, and he called back. He thanked me for my time, and I left the room. The woman got my backpack that I had since I came from school, and she took me to the Adolescent Unit on the fourth floor. A night nurse, Hadley, came over to me and took my vitals and put the bracelets on while another guy named Darian took a picture of me for when they do the Q15. I was admitted at 2a.m. They showed me my room, and the lady showed me the door sensor. If something covered the sensor, an alarm would go off and staff would come running to the room. She did my strip search in the bathroom since it had no camera. She had me take off what I was wearing except my bra and underwear, and she handed me a purple gown.

I walked back up to the front and was told to sit in the group room. In the table were three sheets that I had to fill out. One paper was about things I liked. The second was about how I feel. The third was something complicated. Hadley came into the room and sat in a chair in front of me. She read my papers. One of the papers had a question asking what or who makes me laugh. I wrote "my pal Hadley." She looked at me and asked, "Are you in a school musical?" Confused as to why she asked I said, "Um, yes. Why?" She put the papers back on the table. "We have two other girls that are in a school musical." She asked me what the musical was and I answered. "Is your friend Hadley the one that's here?" She asked. "Um, I don't know. Is she mixed with big eyes and curly hair?" She nodded. "Then yeah. I guess that's her." She went on to ask how close we were, and she changed the subject by asking about my life.

"You haven't been with your dad much," she said. I nodded and looked down. "Where's your mom?"
"She's in Illinois," I said. "Why didn't you go with her?" Hadley asked.
"Apparently I wasn't aloud to move out of state." She looked at me with a concerned look. "If you don't mind me asking, why couldn't you move out of state?" I looked at her and hesitated. "Um. In N-November, my best friend's dad molested me," I explained. "Can I ask what happened?" I didn't mind answering because it is good to talk about it to someone. "Um, well on November 10th, a Saturday, I was staying with my friend because we had a softball tournament. My friend, Brylee, fell asleep on the couch in the living room. I thought I was the only one awake," I said. "Jason put his head in the room and walked in. I told him we weren't suppose to be alone. He ju-" I was interrupted. "Why weren't y'all aloud to be alone?" Asked Hadley. "Two or three years ago he molested me as well, and he sent inappropriate messages to me," I said. She nodded for me to continue.

"He walked to me and when I went to get up, he put pressure with both of his hands down on my hips. The room was really small, so with him in front of me, I couldn't get around. He sat by me and put his hand on my thigh. I moved it and told him we aren't suppose to be alone," I explained. "He told me it'd be our little secret, and he put his hand on my thigh again. I went to get up and he brought me back down to lie down. He stood up and put his hands on legs again." After awhile, I began to cry, but I kept explaining. "I was wearing sweatpants that were navy blue with the name of my ball team on the left leg. I also had a softball tournament hoodie on with blue and orange on it. I even remember the bra and underwear I had on. Both black but different brands: my bra was Nike and my underwear was Calvin Klein. I threw them away. He ran his hand up to my private areas, and he put himself on top of me. I went to move, but he pushed me up against the wall," I explained. I began to stutter because in order for her to understand what I was about to say, I had to use the correct yet uncomfortable words. "He, He uh, put his hand down my pants and beneath my underwear, and he began to finger me. I tried to move his arm away and move myself, but his body weight was on me was much more than what I could bare; he continued harder. I was trying to call for Brylee, but he had covered my mouth. He told me that he knew this was what I was wanting since the seventh grade. He lifted his body,
and once again I tried to remove myself from the situation. This time, he had me sitting against the wall with him on top of me. Sitting on me. He kissed my neck and rubbed his nose on my neck as well." I began to tense up as I could feel what I was describing. "He kept his chest on mine while kissing me, and he put his hand in my pants and fingered me again using more force," I explained.

"You don't have to continue," Hadley said. I wiped my tears and said, "No. No. It's okay. I've been told I need to talk about it." She nodded. I was trying to work up the courage to tell Hadley what he had told me about my body that nobody would like to hear in this situation. "He started to s-say that he liked how he fit his fingers down there because it was difficult due to how hard it was to move his fingers in And out, and h-he liked that. He went into detail about the fit, but he still wasn't allowing me to move. He began to undo his pants while still keeping me down." I slouched down looking at the floor avoiding eye contact. I was afraid to look up and know whether or not she was judging. "He t-told me he could b-barely get three. I cried a lot, and he told me everything was okay. Attempting to put himself in me, I was able to shove him off. He put me back down on the bed, and he attempted to stick himself inside of me. He succeeded. He told me I didn't have to pretend like I didn't want this. I cried more because of the pain being caused," I explained as I began to cry a bit harder. "Again he t-told me I was -t-tight, but it f-felt good. He told me I started to bleed, but he didn't seem to care. I tried pushing him off, but the more I tried the harder he went," I explained crying more and more. "My friend's mom was walking around and he heard her. He pulled out. I didn't know what to do after that. I moved myself into the corner and pulled my knees to my chest and cried. I didn't know what to do about the bleeding. I didn't know what to do at all. I felt violated and disrespected. I felt like it was my fault. Maybe I should have tried har-," I was interrupted again. "Don't say it," Hadley said. "You did what you could to get out of his grip. You tried. You cannot blame yourself for another person's actions."

Hadley walked around the table and sat by me as I cried. "Can I give you a hug?" She asked. I nodded. She hugged me for awhile. "This wasn't your fault, okay? It was all him." She let me go, and she got me ice water. She walked me down to my room. By then, it was almost 4a.m.  She sat with me for awhile. "Well, we wake up at 7:30, but you're aloud to sleep in since you got here late at night," Hadley told me. "If you need anything, you can come get me." She gave me a hug and told me goodnight. I thanked her for listening to me. She turned the lights off as she left the room and closed the door. I stared at the ceiling for a long while before falling asleep.