Sophomore Year

19. Down Hill

WARNING: Self-harm and suicidal ideation is mentioned in this chapter. Do not read on if you are bothered by these topics.

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Hadley got out of the hospital, and I was back to being at their house. It was nice to be back at house I knew I would be at for awhile. Kimmy would come up with things to do so that Hadley and I wouldn't get into the dark hole again. Kimmy cared about our mental health, and she did what she could to keep us safe. I appreciated her very much. She made me feel welcomed and at home. Hadley's family and I never talked too often, but I was comfortable with them right away. It was nice to know that an adult was trying to help me outside of a hospital. It was easier for me to talk to Kimmy rather than talking to my own parents.

Before school was ending, I would get very nervous about summer and after. I had no idea where I would go for summer, and I don't know where I'll be after. It's a mess. Nobody gave me answers to my questions. A lot of uncertainty was put on my shoulders. Hadley or Kimmy would help to calm me once I would think about it. It was one of my main stresser. After awhile of not knowing what would happen, I went to suicide and self-harm. Jimmy wiped the house of any object we could use to hurt ourselves. We had no shower head, no knives, no scissors, no razors unless watched, no medicine left out, and no sports shoes with cleats. Medicine was locked up along with everything else. I had to think. People get creative when they are on the verge of wanting to kill themselves.

Hadley and I would talk about why I was stressed, and she would do what she could to take my mind off of it. We sat in the car a lot. One night when I was going to bed, I sat down and cried. I didn't know what to do or anything. I was scared, and I didn't like the feeling. I didn't want to exist. I went to school the next day, and I was not in the best of moods. I was really snappy and easily irritated. Especially with Dr. Dunn. We were working on an assignment where scissors were involved. Dr. Dunn hesitated to give me a pair. "Would anyone mind cutting these for Lindsay?" I stared at her in disbelief and anger. "Why can't she do it?" Someone in the back asked. Dr. Dunn shrugged her shoulders and looked at her forearms. People began to make out what the reason was. It was embarrassing. I texted Kimmy and told her about it. She reported to Mrs. Gibson who reported it to Coach Heath.

Dr. Dunn cut the paper for me, and I let her know that I didn't think it was appropriate to have said that aloud. She continued to anger me, and I walked out of class. I texted Hadley and told her I wasn't okay. "Don't do anything," she said. "I won't," I lied. I went back to Dr. Dunn's room and the bell rang. Once I got to second period, I asked to use the restroom. I got out a pencil sharpener and a fork to help unscrew it. I got it unscrewed and I put the pieces down while I washed the blade. I removed my pants that went about my thighs. One cut went to two cuts and multiple others. I felt better after; I felt relieved.

I went back to second, and I realized I began to limp. I sat down and talked to Ellison and Elizabeth. I kept my hand on my thigh incase it were to bleed more. Two hours later and I was in fourth period. I had second shift lunch, and I normally sat in the class for lunch. I didn't eat. I asked Señora if she had alcohol swabs and she gave me two. I went to the bathroom, and I brought my backpack. I got the blade out and cleaned it, and I took the other swab and cleaned the area I was going to cut. More forcefully, I took the blade across my skin. I went to Mrs. Gibson's office after I was done. She wasn't there, so I put my name on her door. The rest of the day I had a small unnoticeable limp. In fifth period, I made myself go into a good mood because Hadley was in that class, and I wasn't planing on having her find out.

Seventh period came, and I spent it listening to music and drawing. I was tapped on the shoulder to look over to my left and there stood Mrs. Gibson. I walked out into the hall with her. "I'm sorry I've been in different classrooms today, and I came back to your name on my door," she said. I stood the for a minute. "Is everything okay?" She asked. "I don't know," I replied. The fire alarm went off and we both jumped. "I did not like that," I said. We walked out the double doors and stopped on the hill while everyone went to the parking lot. "I heard about what happened in Dr. Dunn's class," she said. "What happened?" She didn't know the full story, so I understand as to why she was curious. I told her bits and pieces. "So what'd you want to talk about?" She asked. "Your name was on
the door." I looked down and hesitated. "I don't know. It doesn't really matter," I said. I noticed her look at my white shirt. After a second I realized I had blood on my shirt. I panicked on the inside and rolled my shirt up. Nothing more was said and I went back to class.

That night, I told Hadley and Kimmy I didn't trust myself, so Kimmy let Hadley sleep in the room with me. We were laughing and messing around mocking what I said one time. "Ah, I'm going to miss you," she said. My mood changed, and I went to fight or flight mode. I told her I wasn't happy about summer. "You know I could use this to hurt myself. I could also use that," I said. "I may not kill myself soon, but over summer I might." Hadley was silent for a minute. "I think I should go get my mom," she said. I panicked and began to cry. After five minutes Hadley came back. "Pack yourself a bag." I sat up. "What? Why?"
"You're going to the hospital," she said. After conversating with her mom, I almost had her convinced to not take me. She took my pencil sharpener that night. We went to Kimmy's room later on, and I called my dad. My dad thought I would be fine, so I didn't have to go to the hospital. That night and every night, I slept with Hadley in her mom's room so her mom would know we were okay.