Sophomore Year

9. Was this a mistake?

WARNING: This chapter has drug use, sexual activity, and mentions of self-harm. If you are bothered by these topics, do not continue to read.

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Spring break ended, and school was starting back. When I arrived to school, people started to question why I ignored them over break. I didn't ignore anyone, and I let that be known. Instead of telling people where I was exactly, I told them I was grounded. One girl I barely knew had snap chatted me multiple times for a friend of mine. "Oh my gosh!" She exclaimed. "We were worried you died!" As she said that, I mumbled, "yeah, well I was suppose to." The girl looked at me as if she heard what I had said. "I didn't, obviously," I laughed. "I was just grounded."
"Why?"
"Um, well you see I tend to avoid my quote quote family a lot," I said. The girl gave me a puzzled look. I assumed it was because I said quote quote family. I didn't bother to ask though.

I was talking to a friend of mine in second period, Melissa, about my break. Normally Melissa has the tendency to be very loud at the wrong time.
"You tried to kill yourself?" She asked quite loudly. I widened my eyes at her and looked around. "Nobody heard me. Don't worry!" This Junior, Jacob, heard what she had said. He looked at me and began to laugh. Feeling humiliated, I left the class and walked to the office. Melissa came up to me later on that day and told me she was sorry. "I talked to Jacob," she said. "Don't listen to him. People don't understand." I looked at her, nodded, and walked off.

I use to have second period with a senior named Azariah. Azariah was one of the teacher's kid, but I hadn't known that up until I spoke to his mom about a guy I liked. You can only imagine how embarrassed I was in that moment. Anyway, Azariah and I didn't talk much and we weren't close either, but he was always there when I needed to talk. On my days that I'd be down in class, he'd hype me up. We were the two competitive kids in that class. He snapchatted me during school. "Hey. Heard some stuff from Jacob, you okay?"
"I'm fine. Thank you."
"If you need to talk, I gotchu," said Azariah. I thanked him and put my phone down.

During Spanish, I started to think about what had happened between Blake and me. I wasn't sure if I was actually okay with what had happened or if I only let it happen because I was high. Blake gave me his number that night, and I texted him once I was done with practice after school. "Selena said that you're staying with her tonight. Your dad isn't happy from what she told me." I didn't know why my dad wasn't happy, and to be honest, I didn't care at the moment. "Okay, thank you for letting me know," I said.
"I'll be there awhile." I smiled at the text he sent and said, "okay."

My sister picked me up, and she talked with me on the way to her house. "So what happen with Tony?" Tony is my dad, but Selena didn't bother to call him that and I understood why. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Why's he in a pissy mood?" Selena asked.
"Well I'm just as curious as you. Except I don't really care at the moment," I explained. She nodded and not another word was said until we arrived to the house. "Hey, I'm going to sit at the park and finish my homework."
"Okay," Selena said. "Be careful." I shut the door and walked to the park. The park was right by her house, so I didn't have to walk very far.

I had Spanish and English homework. They were my Pre-AP classes, so having homework a lot was expected. English came easy to me, but Spanish didn't. I studied more with Spanish than any other class. Actually, I studied a lot with Chemistry and Geometry too. Half an hour passes, and I'm done with my homework. I put my books into my backpack, and as I was zipping my bag, Blake was walking into the park. "Hey, Lindsay."
"Hey," I said.
"Wanna smoke a blunt?" He asked.
"Out here in a public park?"
He laughed, "No. We can go hotbox the car if you want." I hotboxed one time in Illinois with a friend, and I found it great.

We walked back to my sister's house, and I sat my stuff down in the living room. My sister had to go get her boyfriend from work, but Baleigh would be home around 5:30. Baleigh was Selena's sister who I would also count as my sister. My sister left, and I rolled a blunt and Blake did too.
"Where'd you learn to roll a blunt at only 16?" He asked.
"When I didn't smoke, my friends in Illinois that would smoke had me roll blunts for them because they didn't know how. I winged it most of the time."
"Winged it?" Blake asked. "You're good for just winging it." After we rolled the blunts, we went to his car. One blunt, two blunt and I was higher than the clouds. I don't smoke much, so it was easy for me to get really high. Blake pulled me on top of him, and we kissed for a long time. No clothes of mine came off, but for him, his did. I didn't mind. He looked nice. He began to kiss down my neck and stopped at my collarbone. After ten seconds, he started back up my neck, so I assumed he left a hickie. He made the seat lean back to where he was lying down. When I'm high, I can barely control what I do let alone tell someone no. It takes a lot to do that actually.

Blake flipped me really fast. I was now lying down in the seat and he was on top. Blake was only in his boxers, so when he put his body against me, I could feel his bulge. A bit awkward for me but at the time, it wasn't. I felt good. This felt good. Blake began to bring his body on mine and ran his hands up my thighs. "Can I?" He asked. I wasn't sure what he meant, but I said yes anyways. Blake took off my shirt and kissed down between my breast leaving hickeys down the way. We swapped places again, and this time I was the one going down his neck. Blake positioned my body to where I was sitting right on his bulge. He started to work his hands up between my thighs just as we heard a car door. Baleigh was home. I hurried to the backseat as she came up to his window. "Hey." She said. "What are you doing?"
"I'm smoking," he said.
"I can smell it." She walked away from his door. I began to put my shirt on and climb to the front. Blake grabbed me by the hips and pulled me to sit on him. He took his hands and went between my thighs again while giving hickies on the back of shoulders. As he got closer, I put my hands on his to stop him. I turned around and kissed him. "I'm not ready." I was unsure to know if I was making a mistake, or if I should let him.
"That's fine. I enjoy this too." I loved the way he reacted with me and respected my wants and needs.

We went inside and Baleigh made supper. I wasn't very hungry, so I made myself a small salad. Blake's car ended up breaking down, so he was staying at my sister's too. "Lindsay, I need to talk with you," said Selena. I walked down the stairs and sat down on her bed. "You're staying here for a week and a half. Okay? No questions asked." I honestly didn't have any questions. "Yeah, cool. I'm fine with that," I said. "Go take a shower you brat." I giggled and said, " okay, rat." My sister and I messed with each other all the time.

The next day at school wasn't as bad. Since I left the hospital, I had eraser burns across my wrist, and I had cuts that were horizontal and vertical. "What's that?" Hadley asked. Realizing what she just saw, I pulled my sleeve down. "What's what?" I asked. She looked at me with a serious face. "Lindsay, what is that?"
"It's nothing." Hadley was my best friend, so I ended up telling her about it. Another mistake I made. Later that day I was called to Mrs. Gibson's office. "Some concerns have been raised about some self-harming that you may be doing," she said. I didn't say anything, but I put my elbow on the arm of the chair so I could rest my head on my hand. My sleeve showed a small bit of what was reported. Without knowing she saw it, I asked to leave. "Yes." I left her office and went to class. I felt angry towards Hadley for telling Mrs. Gibson. I asked Hadley about it later, and she said she told her she was worried about me and she told her about the cuts.

Mrs. Gibson called my dad, and my dad reacted terribly. He decided to pick me up, and drive me to my sister's. "The school called again," he said. I didn't say anything. "You're cutting on yourself?" He asked. Again, I didn't say anything. "Let me see." I looked at him scrunching my eyebrows. "Why?" My dad turned to look at me wide eyed. "Did you just ask why?" He asked. "Don't question me. Now let me see them now." I did as he said, and he took his phone out to take a picture. "Why'd you do that?" I asked. "So I can send it to Hailey."
"Why? She has nothing to do with this anymore. Remember? She kicked me out." He yelled at me for ten minutes and he was done. The rest of ride was filled with awkward silence. "Did your sister lock up the knifes and pills?" He asked. I looked at him and shut the door ignoring his question.