Sophomore Year

6. Tensed, Irritated, and Free

WARNING: Drug use, alcohol use, self-harm, molestation, and rape are mentioned. Again, if you are bothered by any of these topics, I advise you not to read.

————————————————————

On Saturday, I slept most of the day because we were at the hospital for a long time. I e-mail Mrs. Gibson to let her know.
"I am very thankful that you sat there that long with me. You helped lighten the mood and relieve some worry. I'm sorry that you had to be there. You more than likely did not want to be there just as much as my Dad," I said. "Again, I'm very thankful for your help and your support through the past few days! Especially today."
I told her I wasn't okay either, but I was too embarrassed to let anyone know that.
"It is ok that you are not at your best right now," she said. "You have a lot on you. Just keep going!"

The rest of the weekend went by very slowly.

I woke up on Monday and I went to take a shower when I realized I had an e-mail. Dr. Barns. I didn't read it at the moment, and I later on forgot about it. When I was done getting ready, I went to wake up my dad who was asleep on the couch.
"Hey, it's 5:50. You can go get ready."
"Five minutes," he said.
I went back to the room and changed my sandals to my tennis shoes. I went to wake up my dad again.
"Five more minutes," he said.
I sat in the recliner and waited for 6:00a.m. At 5:59, I attempted to wake him up. He finally got up.

As I waited, I listened to music, turned on the coffee pot, and started drawing. 15 minutes pass and we were heading out the door. My ride to school was an hour because I lived out of district.

My dad dropped me off and he told me to have a good day. Last week of school before spring break. I walked to my first period, Geometry, and I sat my backpack down and left. I would normally go to Dr. Barns in the morning, but I stopped during January because I felt unwanted. I would go by the English hall in the morning though.
"Good morning, Lindsay."
"Good morning, Dr. Barns."
"How are you?" She asked.
"I'm okay I guess, thank you," I said. "And you?"
"I'm doing alright, thank you," she responded. "I'll see you in class."
I nodded and made my way to the front office.

I would sit in the office in the mornings talking to the staff when they weren't overloaded with work at the moment. The staff was super sweet. The five minute bell rang, and I started walking to class. Molly tried speaking to me, but I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. She noticed the cuts I had on my arm, and I knew she did.

"Lindsay," she said. "What's wrong? Why are you ignoring us?"
I responded by shrugging.
"I'm going to see if you can go to Mrs. Gibson, okay?" She asked.
"No! Please don't. I don't want to go down there."
"Lindsay, you aren't okay."
"Look at your arm," she whispered.
I put my head down, and I began to tear up.

For most of the morning, I didn't speak to anyone. I got into choir and I was talking. Hadley and Aavalynn were in that class. Out of ten people, they were the only people I liked in the class. I just tolerated the others. Hadley and Aavalynn really helped me feel better, but I wasn't happy about it. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I wanted to talk about Friday, but I didn't want anyone to know. I would go to Mrs. Gibson, but I felt so awkward. In all honesty, I wasn't feeling any better than I was that Friday. Was I suppose to let that be known? I went to her anyway. She called my dad about my arm, and I went to panic mode. She saw me in the hospital. I didn't want her aware of this too. She was with me. It's odd to have a teacher there with you. For me it was at least. I was happy she was there though. She didn't have to stay as long as she did, but she stayed.

"Y'all should come to church with me one Wednesday," Aavalynn said.
Hadley and I both agreed. The three of us got along better than anyone else in that class.

At practice, Ashlee asked me where I was on Friday.
"I-I uh, I was with Mrs. Gibson," I stuttered.
"Oh, yeah. Coach Bryant said that. Sorry."

That day, practice wasn't too hard, but it was hot. My friend Brittany picked me up after practice, and we decided to go to Lovers Leap in Winton Brewer. Lovers Leap is a height; supposedly two lovers went to there and jumped because their parents didn't like them together. Anyway, Brittany and I sat on
the rocks and stared down at the water. She pulled a roller out and a gram. She looked at me for approval and I nodded. We were there for four hours, and most of the time, we were getting high. Around the time we were leaving, she found a bottle of moonshine in the trunk of her car. High and drunk, we drove in to town.

We stopped at the gas station, and she was going to go pay for gas. Brittany doesn't act normal while drunk or even high and we're underage, so I offered to go pay because I'm able to be normal around people when needed. I ended up staying at Brittany's that night. She had a brother named Hayden. He was a year or two older than us. He has liked me since the 6th grade, but I always friend-zoned him. Being around guys made me uncomfortable at times. With my friend's dad molesting me, the guy in town raping me, and my friend sexually assaulting me in seventh, I wasn't a big fan with guys or even girls being close to me. I rarely let a guy or girl touch me, but I didn't let anyone touch me anyway because of the incident in seventh grade. If you had my permission, I'd let you.

The next day, Mrs. Gibson called me to her office. We talked for at least fifteen minutes about how I was doing. I wasn't completely honest with her, but she was happy I was okay. "Okay".  It's easy to make someone believe that you're fine. You smile and laugh, and you did it. Mrs. Gibson cared though. She would have talked to me if I was honest about it. Mrs. Gibson was one of those school counselors that would listen and help because she honestly cared for each of her students; she wouldn't do what she did because it was her job. She did it because she wanted to help her students. Not very many teachers are like that, so it was nice to have Mrs. Gibson.

Friday was coming up and I was dreading it. Spring break was one week because of the snow days we had, so I'd be back soon. I never had much to do at my dad's. I normally went on walks, listened to music, self-harmed, and cried. We never went out. I would have been okay not having a spring break. I'm sure there are kids that feel the same way. Home isn't always the best place. Spring break was going to be boring for me. At least, that's what I thought.