Sophomore Year

14. The Welcoming

WARNING: This chapter mentions rape and gives details. It also consist of suicidal ideation. Do not continue reading if this bothers you.

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That morning I woke up at 8a.m., so I didn't get much sleep. I walked up to the front and asked for my contacts. "Lindsay?" Someone called. I turned around and there stood Hadley. "Hi," I said and walked to my room. I came back out and gave my contact case back. "Why are you here?" Hadley asked. "Desha, Mrs. Gibson, and me," I said. "I really want to hug you, but I can't." I looked at her confused as to why not. Throughout the day we did groups. One guy led a group and he would bring up a topic and pick out one person in the group to talk. It was quite frightening. Nobody seemed to want to be called on.

At lunch, Hadley and I talked and she introduced me to the other kids as the "best friend that told on her". It was okay, but sometimes when she would say I told on her, it bothered me. I didn't want her to see it like that. I knew two girls other than Hadley. I knew Aly from St Vivian, and I knew Stacey from school. The kids there found it cool that there were three kids from the same school in the same facility. "After school, there's gym, but you won't be able to go today," Hadley told me. School was a 45 minute group where we worked on school work our teachers sent us. "No gym?" I asked. "You can't go to gym until you've been here 24 hours," said Hadley.

All day we were in groups around everyone, so when I didn't have to go to gym, I didn't mind. I was tired anyway because I didn't sleep very much. I spent an hour in my room while the others were in gym. I took a nap, and I also drew on the white board that was in my room. I could hear the other kids coming down the hall so I opened my door. In this facility, there was an A side and a B side. I was on A side and so was Hadley. You didn't have roommates either. After gym, there was hygiene. You had to take a shower and stay in your room until someone came to get you for supper. Before supper, there was a little bit of free time. Supper was at 5:30p.m.

Hadley and I spent most of the day explaining her stay and how I got there.  "So this girl got you sent here?" Asked one the girls. "Yeah," Hadley replied. Hadley and I were really close and everyone knew it right away. We were near each other all day. We sat by each other in groups, talked when we had the chance, sat at meals together, etc. There was a new guy that came later on. His name was Cayden. He was really cool. I enjoyed his company, and he was on A side too. The staff began to think that Hadley and I were more than best friends. A few of the other kids also thought that. We assured them we were only best friends.

After supper, we had The Word of The Day. We would recite a quote we were given at the beginning of the day. If we said it correctly by memory, we were given a candy bar. After we did that, whoever was leading the group would explain the quote. The quotes had deep meanings if you broke them down, and I found them helpful. We went to our rooms for awhile during shift change, and we came out for a group at 7:30p.m. The night group was not as big as the groups during the day. We separated by sides. A side would stay on their side, and B side stayed on their side. I began to talk to Hadley about how I felt about being there and how I will be once I leave. "Once I'm out of here, I'll make sure I succeed," I said. Hadley looked at me for awhile. "No," she said with a lecture to follow.

We were to go to bed at nine, but we didn't have to fall asleep. That night I thought of how I'd kill myself and succeed once I got out. We were given a journal when we first got there, so I wrote down ideas and plans. I even had dates set up for my attempts. One, two, and three just incase I didn't succeed the first time. I was having strong urges to cut, so I looked around the room at what was available to me to see if I could use anything. The toothbrush seemed like a good idea, but it was bendy and I couldn't get it to break. "Hey, Lindsay," said Darian as he did the Q15. "Hey." I continued to write. "You okay?" He asked. "Yeah I guess I'm fine," I said. "If you need anything you can come out here."
"Thank you," I replied. He seemed like a nice person, and he was by far my favorite staff on night shift. I haven't been there 24 hours, but I still picked my favorites.

I went to sleep around midnight from the last time I asked Darian for the time. We didn't have clocks in our rooms, so we couldn't keep track of time unless you were willing to add up how many times they did Q15. The next day I was told to talk to Dr. B. "What are things you like, Lindsay?" He asked. "Um, well I guess I like sports," I said.
"Do you play sports?"
"Yes. I do. I play softball, and I use to play volleyball and basketball," I said. He wrote down what I was saying. "So you've had some uncomfortable situations with guys?" He asked. I sat there for a minute just looking at the floor. "You play these sports. Why didn't you stop it from happening?" I looked up at him and have him a rude look. "Did I say something?" He asked. "You did, actually." He shook my hand and I left.

Dr. B did that to his patients to see if they would stick up for themselves. I didn't realize that until I told Hadley what he said. After seeing Dr. B, I was told to see my unit therapist, Myra. She basically asked me some questions that Dr. B asked. We began to talk about the guys. I looked down. "Tell me about that," Myra said. "Um, about the guys?" I asked. "Mhm." I looked at her and I began to tear up. "It's okay. You don't have to, but if you want to I'll listen," she said. I told her a little bit of what had happened. I talked about Rex more than Jason. "Where did this happen with Jason?" Myra asked. I hesitated before saying anything. "My mom's friend's house," I said. "It was on January 29th in a Tuesday," I told her. "He uh, he lied down by me in a chair. He ran his hands up my legs, my butt, and my back. He had me sit up and get on him," I explained. I could see Myra start to tear up. "I'm sorry," I said. "Oh no," she said. "You can keep going. I'm just hurting for you." I began to play with my thumbs and look down towards the floor. I began to rock back and fourth and tap my foot repeatedly as well. "He stood me up and took my pants off. I tried to stop him. I had on red pajama pants, and I had on a grey and green school hoodie. He got me on the floor and kissed my lips. I kept pushing him and telling him no, but he wasn't listening. He pulled my underwear down and began to finger me," I paused as I lost breath from crying. "Uh, I looked away from him as he put his weight on me. I-I didn't know what else to do; I was just there. Almost like I was numb. I couldn't bring myself to move. He positioned my legs to where he wanted and went in. My body jerked. He asked oh did you like that? I told him no and please stop. I couldn't move. He stopped and left the room," I said. Myra gave me a tissue because I was crying and from the looks of it, she was to. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get all emotional. What did you do when he left?" She asked. "I uh, I stayed there on the floor and cried. I didn't understand why I was unable to move. I got up after awhile and went to the bedroom. I curled into a ball and cried myself to sleep."

After we had that talk, I had to go back to a group. It wasn't much longer till we had to go to the rooms. A couple hours went by fast because I was tired and out of it. Hadley and I talked about Myra and Dr. B. I've never told anyone about what happened between the guys or even my friend from seventh grade up until I got here. I never said anything about my friend, but the guys, I told Dr. Barns and the detectives that worked my case. No one else knew details. Only people I trusted knew it was rape and molestation. They didn't know anything more. That night I went to bed easily. I fell asleep crying because I was ready to leave. I wasn't suppose to be there. No one was suppose to know I wanted to die.