In Too Deep

26

I can feel my brain thumping in my skull. It's as if it vibrates with every intake of my breath. I try to open my eyes but the daylight bursting through the windows makes me cringe. A groan leaves my mouth as I toss and turn in my spot. I curl into myself and shield away from the light by covering myself under the blankets. As I move around the bed I notice that i'm quite naked under the soft sheets. As a result I hug them tighter to me.

I can barely make out the room in front of me after opening my eyes a few moments later. Slowly I peer over the sheets just to see a brick wall. Jack isn't next to me, probably at the mill doing God knows what.

My eyes water as they burn from dryness and irritation. I groan and rub them as I try to relieve them.

My bones ache, muscles are terribly sore as I move my arms. I feel weak. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well.

I promised myself that I would avenge my mother's death. And instead I just end up in the bed of the enemy. For what? A good fuck?

I'm a horrible person. I'm completely disgusted with myself.

I sit up and the sheets fall from my body. My pale skin is littered with bite marks, hickies, and bruises. All ranging within colours.

My chest feels constricted and I feel an anxiety attack approaching. I stand up from the bed and grab a random shirt of his. I throw it over and for a moment I hold up the collar and breathe in his scent. And just for that moment I've relaxed, calmed down. For that moment I feel grounded.

The feeling ends all too soon.

His scent is all I can smell and I feel claustrophobic. I have no clothes so his is the only thing i'm stuck with. I think fast and unrationally.

I find myself standing under the shower spray and the warm water wets my whole body, drenching the shirt along with it. I stare straight up into it. Relishing in the hard hitting water on my face. I breathe through the droplets.

I walk out of the shower and do my best to dry myself with the same towel I used last night. Of course it isn't enough to dry the shirt but it's fine.

I look at my reflection. My hair is bleached blonde. No longer my natural dark brown hair. No, now it's back to the colour I had in highschool. Back to the familiar colour I grew apart from. My eyebrows have also bleached to the same blonde colour. My skin is a lot more pale. A disgusting yellow tint to it. I look sickly.

I skim over my temples as I see the imprinted mark of the metal tongs Jack used to nearly fry my brain.

I look down at my fingernails to see them broken and weak.

I walk out of the bathroom, and into the bedroom to find a pack of newports in his nightstand.

I make my way to the window on my left that leads out into the terrace. I open the windows and sit on the sill as my feet touch the metal surrounding the window and most of the outside of the building.

I light the cigarette in my fingers. I inhale the intoxicating smoke and cringe at the horrible taste. I still don't understand his fascination with newport's but i'm not one to judge.

It's been so long since i've had a smoke. I miss the smell most of all.

I close my eyes and hang my head as I take in the lovely sound of birds chirping.

I need coffee, a strong cup to shock me out.

I look out to see Jack and his men entering the property through the gates. Even from here I can tell he's stressed out. I would be too if my whole buisiness was left unattended for months.