In Too Deep

53

i love you by Billie Eilish

I haven't left this bed since I opened my eyes this morning. I can't bring myself to. I've been coming in and out of consciousness for the past few hours. I haven't looked at my phone since the first time I awoke, nearly five in the morning.

Jack woke me up to tell me that he was going to be taking care of business for the rest of the day. He wouldn't be back until the next morning. Kissed me goodbye and that was that.

I keep seeing her face. I hear her voice in the back of my head. I keep imagining her last moments. What did she feel? What did she say when she was on the phone with Dent? Did she suffer? Was it quick?

I turn around in my spot to face the window.

The clouds are heavy in the sky. There's no way any sun rays will be visible through all of that. It's a dark day today.

I bury my head in my pillow and close my eyes. I breathe in deeply and I can smell him on the sheets.

He's going to kill you.

I want to believe the opposite. I really do. But im not an idiot. I've known it for years. This relationships is toxic, and somehow...i just don't find myself leaving. Even after all that he's done.

Maybe not now, or next week, but he will.

It's the fact that for a moment, even for the slightest moment. I see a flicker in this persona. The person he's created for everyone to see. I see him for the person he really is.

He's insane. Someone of your background should know that dealing with someone like that won't result in anything positive.

Her voice echoes throughout my mind like a fucking siren. Reminding me that this story doesn't end happily for me.

For Christ sakes I have a degree in psychology. I know what this is. I know who he is. But I know that he's a different person with me. He's sweet. He's—he's gentle he really is.

I open my eyes and I realize that my cheeks are wet. Didn't even notice the tears.

This time I lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling. I can feel it coming. Like a waves breaking on the shore, the wave of sadness hits me like a ton of bricks.

My eyes water and my throat feels like it's closing in on me. I sit up and rest against the headboard.

My tears fall in unison from my eyes and I just can't stop it. My chest racks with sobs and I dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands. I curl up into a ball and cry into my hands.

Falling into that vat of chemical waste did something to your body that I can't even comprehend Harley.

Angies voice rings in my head and I just cry harder. I look up at the ceiling and shove my hands in my hair.

It's as if everything is failing. I cant explain it. Your egg count is low—

I can't breathe and I gasp for air in between my sobs but it's no use. They just hit harder.

I hate this. I hate feeling so pathetic. So insignificant.

Kids were never in the picture. At least...I don't think they were. Were they?

No. They couldn't be. What kind of father would Jack even be. This life is no life to being in a new born child to.

I dig through the nightstands to try to find something to ease the pain in my chest. Finally I find a rolled blunt and I light it.