Wasted Chances

"The Admition"

Shar's POV

Tahimik akong nanonood sa isang sulok sa performance nila Donny ng lumapit sakin si Carl and ask me a question that does not sounds asking but more of stating a fact.
"
Gusto mo sya, tama? "
Shit,  san galing yon?  Bakit may ganon? Carl handed me a bottle of beer indicating that he wants us to discuss this matter.  That he wont let this night pass without satisfying his curiosity. I just feel numb and dumb dahil all this time akala ko I'm good kasi nagagawa ko makisama kay kuya ng hindi naiilang.  Akala ko normal ko lang sya itrato,  na walang nakakahalata sa feelings ko towards him. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig ng tubig kaya naman nainom ko ng derecho ang laman ng beer na binigay nya sakin. And sabi ko nga,  hindi sya papayag na hindi ako magsalita kasi the way he looks at me is saying that he will listen,  I can start talking.  Damn! .

"He is so into you, can't you see that? Ano bang mahirap sa pag-entertain nong fact na iyon? "singit nya nong sinabi ko na it will be another story kung gusto din ako ni kuya. I was shocked by his statement because that confirms the deductions I have made. "Okay,  you wanted to know the real score? " sabi ko na tinanguan nya. Dahil na rin siguro sa tama ng nainom ko kaya tuloy tuloy na akong nagsalita.  My fears,  worries and anticipations were exposed and he just listened. "I value the relationship we have now. Tell you what, Im contented. I can tell him what I want, I can call him names, Ican be carefree, careless and tactless in front of him. I dont need to worry if my actions are offensive cause I can easily said na biruan lang bawal pikon. Masaya ako kung ano kami ngayon, walang complications, pretentions and expectations. And have I told you one of the rules I have set for this lifetime? Kapag tropa, walang talo talo. A friends can be lovers, but a lovers can never be friends. And id rather have him in my life as a friend than not to have him at all." mahabang litanya ko.

Perhaps,  Carl get my point kaya natahimik sya and hinayaan nya muna ako. Donny's group is currently playing "Right Here Waiting" at tuluyan na akong sumuko sa pagdeny ng obvious naman talaga. Tinanggap ko na tama ang mga deductions ko without sounding assuming in reference na rin sa sinabi ni Carl. He likes me,  I like him pero we just cannot be.

Carl approached me and handed me again another bottle. "Shar, sorry". sabi nya. Kung anuman ang plano mo, susuportahan kita bunso. Kung panu mo idadivert and attention ni Donny palayo sayo, sasamahan kita. The way I imagined it, masasaktan ka along the way and andito lang ako. Iinom tayo until wee hours, nasa tapat lang ako ng bahay nyo, batohin mo lang bintana ko. Sorry ulit."

"Tangna lang kasi Carl, usyosero mo eh. Sa iba mo gamitin yang pagiging observant mo wag sakin. Sabi kasi anime na lang panoorin mo eh." Sabi ko sabay inom. Bottoms up ulit.  Hay, I just have my heart broken without being in a relationship. Wrong timing kasi. I can't afford na magkaron ng destruction kasi I promised sa parents ko na magtatapos ako.  Not that Im saying na di ako makakatapos once mag boyfriend ako,  its just that,  pwede kasi maging inspiration or destruction. Since walang kasiguraduhan,  why put yourself don sa sitwasyon kung ngayon pa lang pwede mo ng iwasan?  Naniniwala ako sa destiny,  so if we are meant to be,  we are meant to be no matter how may chances and opportunities we have missed.
"Right love at the right time for the right man. It will come eventually,  I am not in a hurry. " sabi ko kay Carl with a sad smile.