Wasted Chances

""

Shar's POV

It felt awkward seeing and being with Donny pero malayo kami sa isa't isa. Ako yong lumalayo pero ako rin yong nasasaktan. I never imagined that it would hurt this much. But I relayed him a mesaage through that song and I think Donny got my message clearly.  But damn, it really hurts.  This is not what I planned. I chose to save our friendship pero parang mawawala din dahil sa pagiwas ko. Did I calculated it wrong? I think we need to talk.  I think we must clear things between us. I think...

Letse,  puro I think pero di naman ako gumagalaw. Pero anong sasabihin ko? Pano ko babawiin yong ginawa ko? Janina already showed her interest towards Donny. Its been weeks since pinakilala ko sila sa isat isa and since then Janina is updating me on what's happening between them.

Shar,  mag-meet na kami ni Donny bukas!

Shar, mag-aaral ba kayo ni Donny?  Magkasama kasi kami,  sa bahay na lang kayo mag-aral,  punta ka na lang don.

Shar,  destiny is telling me something.  My playlist is on a shuffle mode and sabi ko if the 3rd song is "Because of You" by Keith Martin, I will continue seeing Donny. Guess what?!? It happens.

Shar,  ngayon pa lang gusto ko ng mag thank you sayo for Donny.

Shar,  ang weird ng reasoning ni Donny, hahaha. I asked him kasi to visit me here at dorm kasi ipakilala ko din sya sa mga college friends ko,  it happens na nong pumunta sya nakatulog kami. So I texted him na sana di na lang sya nagsabi na pupunta kung hindi naman pala talaga pagkagising ko. Alam mo ba kung anong reply nya?  Nagpunta daw sya,  kahit daw magpacheck ako ng DNA makikita daw ang pawis nya sa may pintuan namin and finger prints sa door knob. Di na ako nakagalit,  natawa na lang ako.

For the past weeks,  yan ang laman ng mga messages sakin ni Janina. To be honest,  we rarely message each other before I introduced Donny to her dahil medyo busy kami sa sari sarili namin studies,  and I'm fine with that,  pero ngayon,  every ganap nila,  she texted me. If Donny was not around on the usual time na kasama namin sya before,  di na ako nagtatanong kasi alam ko na.

I think there is no need for us to talk. There are no things to clarify in the first place.  Ginusto ko ito, panindigan ko. Lalo na ngayon kasi may mga nadamay na na pwedeng masaktan kung bigla ako magbabago ng plano. Wala naman ibang dapat sisihin kung nasasaktan man ako kundi sarili ko. I must face the consequences of my action. Carl already warned me pero di ako nakinig. I must proceed kasi Janina doesn't deserve to be hurt.

"Shar,  wala daw si Engr. Abestilla,  tara shot. " Carl informed me.

"Pass muna,  maglalaba ako eh."

"Sabado na bukas ah, bakit di na lang bukas ka maglaba? "

"May lakad ako bukas,  nagkaayaan sila Iñigs eh,  antagal ko na daw di sumasama sa kanila kaya pumayag na ako. Next time, bawi ako" pagdadahilan ko.

Note to self: itext si Iñigo na sakyan ang pagsisinungaling ko.

I wanted to go sana kaya lang kapag naiisip ko na Donny and Janina will be there also,  naiisip ko na agad yong sakit na mararamdaman ko.  Idagdag mo pa yong mga kaibigan ko na insensitive.  I must isolate myself muna until masanay na ako sa set up.  Janina has always been part of every lakad na and she's getting along fine with the group. I have no bad words for her,  she's  one of my bestfriends after all. Kelangan ko lang talaga muna mag adjust and iupgrade ang pain tolerance ko.

"Are you really going out with them or you're just spacing yourself out? I told you,  you can talk to me anytime especially when it concerns your plan. I warned you na it will be painful but you push through.  The best I can do now is to support you dyan sa katangahan mo." Carl said.  "Siguro someday,  all your pain will be worth it.  I will pray for that cause you deserve that. "

"Ano ba pinagsasasabi mo? " i asked Carl giving him a dark look saying na baka marinig sya ng iba namin kasama.

"Donny knew. " Carl stated flatly ignoring my sharp look. "They all knew actually. "

"Whatever. "sabi ko

"Di ko pa rin kasi fully naiintindihan yong reasoning mo. Your feelings were mutual so dalawa dapat kayo nagdesisyon kasi kayo naman yong magdadala ng relasyon nyo. Whether a distracting or inspiring relationship it will become,  that depends on you both." Carl frustatedly said.

"You hit the point Carl,  what confuses you? There will be two possibilities,  and for sure we will be torned somewhere down the road if we push through . So why put ourselves on that situation where we might get hurt if ever our relationship becomes toxic kung ngayon pa lang pwede ng pumili? Pinili ko lang yong option na makakasama ko sya palagi kahit bilang kaibigan lang.  Kasi if we're really destined to be together,  we will eventually. Atleast walang time na magiging strange kami sa isa't isa if what I feared the most happens. Gets mo ba? " pabulong na paliwanag ko kay Carl. Careful not to say it aloud and be overheard ng mga kasama namin.

"I just save our friendship for now kasi ako personally, di ko alam kung kaya ko maghandle ng romantic relationship kasi believe it or not,  everything will change. Nasabi ko na ito dati and uulitin ko ulit,  I am not ready for that change. I might demand more time kesa sa kontento ako ngayon. We might demand something from each other na mas painful kapag di nabigay unlike kung magkaibigan kami. I'll definitely get hurt if he chose to be with you than to be with me na compare sa ngayon kahit iturn down nya ako ok lang kasi wala kaming commitment. Did I make myself clear? "

"Eh pano if maging ok? Kabaliktaran lahat ng naimagine mo? Sayang yong time. "

"Pano?  What if?  Precisely my point!  Dalawa pwede maging result and I chose to prevent the worst scenario kasi sabi ko nga if we're meant to be,  we're meant to be.  Darating yong what if mo kung kelan mas matured na siguro ako, kami. "

"Hay ewan! You're just making things complicated dahil dyan sa pag ooverthink mo. You're really an engineer in the making,  too much calculations. Good luck na lang sa pag move on mo at sa adjustment sa set up natin ng grupo na kasama na si Janina. "

"I got this! Don't worry too much, I know what I did. Selfish move it may seem but I just want to have him close kasi di ko pa kaya panindigan yong feelings ko. Along with it is the pain na I have to endure.  We will get there in God's time. " sabi ko kay Carl with a smile of assurance.