Static /// Colby Brock

A torn out page

Sabrina's POV

Two days after we came back, my parents also returned from their business trip. Well, they took a two day break from travelling to make sure I was fine and everything was OK with the house before leaving on yet another trip. I was so immersed in my own thoughts, I forgot to ask them where they were going. Well, they didn't deserve much interest from me if they didn't show any curiosity for my life whatsoever. Their main concern was if I was paying the bills, cleaning the house, if I was.....alive, really. They didn't really care what was going on in my head and how I truly felt. I wasn't sick, but I was certainly in a lot of pain. I was suffering, torn between the side of me leaning towards habit and responsibility and the side of me leaning towards what I actually wanted. 

I felt big responsibility towards Austin. He was a nice, kind, caring guy and I didn't really have a reason not to like him apart from my picky ass heart that still insisted he was not the one who I was meant to spend my life with. I liked him, how could I not like such a likable person. The problem was, I didn't love him. But I stayed with him to erase some painful memories that were eating away at me. I thought he would be my shield from it all, but the pattern of me being proven wrong continued. Then I stayed out of habit. I just got used to having him there. Every day, nearly every moment. And I stayed with him mostly cause I didn't 1.have a reason to leave him; 2.want to hurt him; 3.know how.

I have never felt so stuck in my entire life. I was alone at a crossroad when I needed someone oh so desperately. Someone who I really needed, someone who understood. Someone who would stay and deep down inside I knew, Austin wasn't that "someone".

After my parents left I fell back into that downward spiral of doubt, fear and longing. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, there was no silver lining. 

As I was sorting out the Polaroid pictures Austin and I had taken back in LA, my sanity cracked. Many of the places those pictures were taken in were the places I visited with Colby. Our beach. Our cafe. Our ice-cream shop. Our LA.

I didn't notice Austin's presence until he sat down next to me and wrapped his arm around me. I couldn't look at him, so I kept my gaze on my hands in my lap. I also didn't notice I was crying until I saw a tear fall on my wrist.

- This is killing you, isn't it? - He kissed my temple - You still love him.

- I'm sorry - I managed to say through the tears that refused to stop rolling down my cheeks.

- Don't be - his hold on me got tighter

We sat in silence for a while after that, until....

- He really changed your life, didn't he? - he asked me

I nodded - Not only. He changed the way I viewed life. He reprogrammed me in such a way, he became my drug. I know he isn't good for me, but I know I can't live without him either. I guess, I would like to live suffering with him rather than live suffering alone. Does that make sense to you?

- Yeah, oddly enough, it does - he said quietly, rubbing soothing circles on my shoulder - I think he deserves to know what you think about him. You've kept him in the dark for far too long. I also think you deserve to get this venom out of you before it suffocates you. You deserve to speak up about your feeling, as does every person, Sab. 

- I missed my chance, Aus. All my life I've been suffering because of chances I was too afraid to take. - I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my hand. - It's too late now.

- It's not too late, it can never be. It will never be late to open your heart to the one who deserves it. To the one who means a lot to you. Just think about it. Give yourself a few days to really think about it, but remember, neither of you deserve the hell you are putting yourselves though.

I pressed my lips in a straight line and tilted my head to look at him - Thank you, for everything. For being so understanding, for the advice, for being in my life and sticking by my side, Austin. You deserve someone way better than this wreck over here - I pointed at myself

- You're not a wreck, Sab. Just because you have a few cracks doesn't mean you can't be fixed. I may not be the one who will fix you, but you already know who will. 

I was at a loss for words, I didn't expect such understanding, such comfort from Austin. I still felt horrible, despite him not being too hurt. Deep down inside, the thought that he knew that I was in a relationship with him while having feelings for someone else made me feel like a terrible person. That's probably because I was a terrible person.

That was the last time I'd ever share a bed with Austin.

*The next morning*

- You don't have to pack all your stuff - I told him as I watched him gather his things in a duffel bag - We're still friends. Who knows, you might sleep over someday.

He looked over his shoulder and gave me a smile - Sounds nice, but I think it will be highly impossible if you run off to LA.

- I haven't made up my mind yet. I might stay - I shrugged and leaned on the door frame

- That's what your brain is telling you? - he asked nonchalantly

I raised an eyebrow even though he couldn't see me - Yes? - my answer sounded more like a question.

- Right. And what's your heart saying about the matter?

I thought about what he asked me for a moment before replying - It's been oddly silent about the subject.

- Is it silent or are you just trying not to listen to it? - I heard the smirk in his voice

I didn't know if he was right or not. Mostly cause I didn't know what I wanted and what I needed. 

- Honestly, I don't know. - I sighed, running my nails over the paint on the door frame

- You'll figure it out. I know you will. You always do. - he said, lifting up his duffel bag - I left a few things. You don't mind, right?

- Of course I don't - I smiled as we walked downstairs - You can stay a bit longer, you know? You don't have to leave right away.

- The longer I stay, the harder it will be for me to leave - he sighed with a sad smile.

We stopped walking when we reached the front door. I really didn't wanna cry, but this one fucking tear just refused to stay in my eye. 

Austin took hold of the door knob and turned it. The knob clicked and the door opened a crack, letting in the morning sunlight. 

- I guess this is goodbye - I said, my eyes examining the wooden floor since I was unable to look at him.

- Don't make it sound so sad - he put his free hand on my shoulder - We're still friends, remember? It's not like we're never gonna see each other again. 

I nodded, taking a deep breath, and looked up at him.

- Can I kiss you one last time? - he asked me, avoiding my gaze 

I didn't respond. I guided his chin with my finger so he would look at me and stood up on my toes, pressing a kiss to his lips. It was full of sorrow and dread. It was full of emotions. It was the perfect goodbye kiss. I didn't pull away, knowing that it was the last time I'd have that kind of connection with him. Nevertheless, we had to pull away.

- I maybe wasn't the one you were searching for, but you were definitely the one I was searching for. And I'm willing to let you go if it means you'll be happy. Tell Colby he better not hurt you, because if he does, he'll be hearing from me personally. - he gave me an encouraging smile.

I laughed and nodded, my eyes shining with tears. Before I knew it, his car was already going down the street, getting further and further away from me. 

I looked around my room and my bathroom for the things he left. He left two shirts, a pair of jeans and his toothbrush. I smiled at how nearly he had left them. The shirts were perfectly folded along with the pair of jeans and his toothbrush was in the cup where it always was. 

His friendship was something I never knew I needed. I wanted a romantic relationship, but it didn't work out. Turns out, what I needed was a lot more simple.

Only if all things were so simple.