You Don't Know
Can you tell me how many times I've contemplated suicide?
Or how many times I nearly grabbed the kitchen knife to slit my wrists?
Do you fucking know how many panic attacks I've had?
Or how many times I've cried myself to sleep, blaming myself for everything wrong?
Can you even imagine how having not just anxiety and depression but also PTSD must feel?
Especially when you're told it's all in your head.
Do you know that I've punished myself for things that weren't my fault?
Cause you blamed me for them anyways?
I didn't ask to be touched.
I didnt ask to be hurt.
I didn't ask to be forgotten.
I didnt fucking ask to be abandoned.
And I didn't fucking ask to be ignored.
I've contemplated suicide numerous times, more than I can count.
I've grabbed that knife so many times, ready to slice but not able to do it.
I've had panic attacks where I've blacked out, couldnt breathe, and even got so bad I couldnt function at all.
I've cried myself to sleep so many fucking times it's almost hard to fall asleep without crying. Because the way I saw it, it was my fault my life had gotten like this.
PTSD isnt easy and is different for everyone, but add on depression and anxiety and you're a fucked up mess.
This shit isnt just in my head. It's in my heart and soul. It weighs me down in a way that makes death look like a blessing.
I have isolated myself from so much in life so far because I was afraid to be hurt again. I was afraid I would cause more pain than healing. Being told it was my fault... for things I had nothing to do with... it destroyed me on so many levels.
My body is my own. Ask first.
My heart isnt a game. Dont play me.
Forget me if you want. But dont cry when I move on.
Leave me behind. I'm better off alone.
Dont ignore me, cause I will return with a vengeance.
I'm stronger than I once was.
I've fought off most shit others have nightmares over, alone.
I've been through hell and back so many fucking times... it's like a second home.
Before you try to say you know me. Or that you know what I'm thinking and feeling.
Stop.
Because dammit.
You
Dont
Know
