WOUNDED

19. Running

  It was 10 pm when she woke up. Her head was pounding so much she couldn't see straight. Getting out of bed, Alex walked very slowly to the bathroom to get painkillers. Last night's consequences were hitting hard. After brushing her teeth and dry swallowing two panadols she moved slowly to the kitchen to get milk. She could hear her stomach growling but the idea of food was nauseating. She'd have to wait till the hangover got tolerable. Grabbing the carton from the fridge she went back to her bedroom being careful not to move too fast.
     
Yesterday had marked one year since her dad died. Waking up soaked and frightened from a nightmare, she had started drinking in the house, continuing later when she went to the club. The nightmares were not new but of late they'd been worse than before. She knew seeking out help was probably the best thing to do but it didn't mean she was going to do it.

Shorty after her dad had been buried, she had left with nothing else but a portrait that she kept on the bedside. It wa a picture of Dave and herself when she was 6 years old. She had tried to stay, oh how she had tried but it had been hard. The pain had been much and together with the burden that was her family she could not linger anymore. She had not even gone back to collect her things from school, that was a past life.
  
On her last day at home she had informed her mother about her plans of taking time to cool off so they wouldn't bother with her whereabouts. Her mother of course thought it was stupid since the rest had resumed their normal lives. The next morning she'd left early with nothing but the clothes on her back, her favourite photo, her passport and her credit card. She had even left her phone, she just wanted some time away.

Passing through to see Jenny,she'd stopped by her dad's resting place and after goodbyes she'd took off. She had no destination in mind so she'd droved for hours on the first day. Lying on a hotel bed that night, she'd decided it was time to go check out the house his father left her.The next day after purchasing a new phone she had set out for the road trip to the coast region of the country.

There she had spent two months mopping around, crying and ordering fast food. The house has been nice with large glass windows facing the ocean and a good distance from civilisation. It was during that time that she'd stumbled upon this tiny island on the internet with the least population in the world. Looking up more images she'd known the place was calling out for her.

Getting more money than she'd originally used after selling her old car, she bought a ticket and was on her way to the airport without informing anyone. Pani was beautiful and upon arriving she knew it was the right place. The first two weeks had been great, getting a place and going out everyday to explore but then the sadness had creeped back. No matter the distance, the grief was still persistent.

Getting settled down, time had flown by quickly with the same routine she'd picked up. Hiding from the world, sleep full of nightmares, eating whatever she'd get her hands on, going out at night to the beach to sit for hours and crying. She was floating by and to numb the pain she'd discovered a local pub where she'd go every other night and drink till she'd barely walk. During those pub sessions, she'd met Ryan and his friends who'd introduced even more fun stuff. Between drinking, smoking marijuana and sniffing heroine and other drugs, the nightmares had subsided and she could get better sleep.

To think she'd left home to grief and collect herself, life had definitely thrown her into a different direction. Alex could not recognize the person she'd become. All she felt was this deep hollowness that got deeper by day. She was aware of her diminishing money but her addictions had to be catered for. At times she'd be passed out for two days straight and wake up not remembering anything. She was a stranger, a total stranger unrecognizable even to herself.

Her dad had been the only thing lingering on her mind. Yesterday being his anniversary, the grief had hit hard. Dave had taken a big piece, a chunk even,of her with him. All she could think of was her growing up, her dad playing with them, taking her to school, braiding her hair and much more. Everything had been connected to him.

Settling back to bed, she let the tears fall. She was tired of crying, tired of feeling nothing but she didn't know what to do. All the drinking was not helping. Even the men she hooked up with regularly were not helping. It had been a year, a whole year for crying out loud. She should be moving on but she was still stuck. How did people heal from this, she was breaking every day and didn't know when it'd stop.

Much later after putting on a black hoodie, she hid her favourite bottle of vodka inside the hoodie and walked out to her favourite spot at the beach. She had gotten a place that was near the waters for the same reason. Every other night when the moon was up she'd go sit on the sand for hours just listening to the crashing waves and think about nothing. There were no people lingering around at this time of the night so she sat undisturbed chugging down the alcohol.

Looking out at the dark waters she thought what it'd be like if she just ended it here. Who would miss her, did her family even remember her? She had distanced herself from the few friends she had so there was no one that'd cry over her. "Whoa, stop right there where did that come from?" Standing abruptly she couldn't help voicing her bewilderment.  She was surprised at the direction her mind had taken. Nothing of that kind had ever crossed her mind. Dusting herself she left quickly very much afraid of the dark thoughts in her head.