WOUNDED

30. Paul

ALEX'S POV
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It had been a week since the breaking down incidence and I'd been doing everything possible to stay away from Jace. If there was one thing I couldn't let people see, was my vulnerability. I had done enough of that growing up and now the thought of that was nauseating. I did not let people in and that had been one of the biggest reason. I was determined to not let the world see how fragile I was. The tough facade I put on was the only thing I had at this point.

I had come to terms with the feelings I had for Jace. Beyond everything possible, he had penetrated through the tough walls I'd built. In the shortest time the guy had succeeded in unravelling the person hidden deep inside. The only other person who had been allowed to see that had been my dad. There was a genuine fear forming in my stomach. I felt unsettled by the intrusion.

That morning after waking up and seeing the sadness in his eyes had been painful. If that wasn't enough he looked me with pity and that had wounded my pride and spirit. I was already causing him pain that he didn't ask for or deserve. Maybe if I'd thrown him out of my house that first night then he'd be ok. He had tried calling severally but I had not picked. I knew my immediate mission was to protect him and distance was on the agenda. I couldn't let him drown with me,one of us was enough.

It was on a friday and I was dressing up to go out. I had not been to the clubs for sometime, what with having Jace around in the weekends. It was time to rectify that. I was also going out pretty early, anything to avoid bumping into him. I'd smoked a bunch of weed and drunk a few cans of beer. I couldn't handle being in my own head,it was chaotic in there.

Getting a cab I was at my favourite club in town within a few moments. The place was packed full and I had to squeeze myself past the grinding bodies to get to the bar. "Wassup Alex, I haven't seen you in a while. Where did you disappear to?" Giving me a toothy smile was Paul the bartender who was always friendly. Ever since I found out that he had helped me out that ond night, I'd been mortified and always avoided him whenever I saw him. "Hey Paul, how's the going? I've been a little bit busy but am back." I called back sitting on a stool at the bar. "Give me the usual."

I would be stupid to not notice how Paul looked at me and his efforts to create a friendship even though I played nonchalant. I didn't do friends and really felt bad for the few precious people that took an interest in me. I just wanted to be invisible and cause no harm. Downing several shots of vodka I escaped to the dance floor to avoid any more conversation. He was a sweet guy and a kind for helping me out that night and I was not going to lead him on.

Many shots later I was laughing and making loads of jokes with Paul. The reckless side of me was coming out. In this state pain didn't exist and the void inside me was absent. I didn't feel, I just numbly existed. It was better than the pain and when Paul went in for the kiss I didn't stop him. Infact I was very inviting and suggested we leave for his place. I pushed Jace to the back of my mind and locked him there. Pain I could understand, pain I could leave with but being vulnerable was a road I couldn't travel.

Later when Paul was on top of me all, I could see was Jace.My eyes welled up and I let them fall freely. The only thing I was good at was destroying everything good on my path. I was making love to Jake and I could see the realisation of that on Paul's eyes. There was hurt and understanding, his ego had been bruised badly and I couldn't say anything to make it better. I got up and dressed quickly very much sober and escaped from his place. When was I going to stop hurting people.

By the time I got to my place it was early morning and I was exhausted and after locking the door I just laid down on the floor. I just wanted the pain to stop, how could a single person feel so much pain ? My dad was the last thing on my mind before I passed out. He had abandoned me, he had left me broken into million pieces. I knew I was blaming him wrongly for my weaknesses but I felt helpless.How was I supposed to move on from that?