WOUNDED

33. Gimme something

Alex could hear the words but could not comprehend them. He really was in love with her,she could see it in his eyes and feel it in her bones. He wanted to be with her,why though she didn't know. Could he not see the kind of person she was? Could he not see how broken she was? Why would he want to be with her? How could fate be so cruel to him, pairing her to him. He deserved better, so much better.

She knew she had overwhelming feelings for him though she didn't know what they were. There was a raging war between her heart that wanted this man so much and her brain that knew it was not the right path. "Oh Jace, babe you can't love me, I'm so broken inside, so broken." Engulfing her,he wished he could take all her pain away. "Babe it's ok, let me help you, you don't have to do it alone. Let me in." He couldn't help his voice breaking. How could the world be so cruel, the one person that happened to own his entire heart was in so much pain. What had happened to her? He needed to know to be able to help her.

"I want to let you in, I really want to but it's so hard. It's so ugly inside and I'm afraid of anyone seeing that." She could see the pain in his eyes,he wanted to be trusted enough to be let in. He was pleading with his eyes and Alex felt his pain. Causing him pain was more hurtful than her own . She did not want him to feel her pain. Nobody should ever have to feel that. She couldn't let him in so she just let him hold her with tears in both of their eyes.

Jace had seen her breakdown severally and Alex could feel her walls shake. She could feel her flight instincts kicking in and her brain was winning the war. Her desire to protect him was overriding her heart that felt so much for him.

Jake felt her withdrawing from him and it was painful. He's only wish was for her to trust him and break the barriers between them. He knew nothing could change his love for her but he needed to know. He needed to know what hurt her that much but she had to let him in willingly.

They spent the entire weekend together, eating, watching the tv and making love all the time. There was not much said between them and even with the unresolved issues, they both enjoyed each others company. Alex had been in a good mood and feeling happy after a long time. She knew he was the cause of it and yet didn't know how to love him. How do you give something that you don't have? Regardless they were both living in the moment.

For a long time the happy bliss existed, they'd go out and eat at times or stay inside most of the times and get lost in each other. The subject of her past just hang unspoken between them. They knew they'd have to handle it at some point but not at the moment.

Almost one year of knowing Alex and still not knowing her at all, Jake was feeling constricted. He was hurting and could not go on like that. He could tell the times she put a face for him and that hurt the most. He didn't want her to hide from him and yet that was what had been happening. He was feeling disappointed in the lack of trust, he could not continue to watch her suffer in silence. It had to be everything or nothing and he was dreading that decision.

When Jake walked through the door one evening, Alex could tell that the due day had arrived. After dragging for so long the conversation was going to be held on that day. Refusing to even take coffee like usual,he led them to the living room and waited for her to settle down. It was time she gave him a clear answer bacause as much as he loved her, there were thorns that had to be cleared.

"Alex you need to give me something. I'm not even asking for everything, I just want to know that you trust me. I've told you all about myself and still know nothing about you. Babe am hurting here, please tell me." It was a dagger straight through her heart. She'd succeeded in the very thing she had been avoiding, hurting him. Looking at him now, there was pain in his eyes that was her own doing.

Breaking the eye contact,Alex felt her heart breaking. This was it, and yet thinking about her father, the countless times at the hospital, seeing him lay helpless on the bed, seeing him in a casket cold and dead, her disheveled family, she knew she was not ready to open up. She'd never spoken about her dad to anyone. How could she tell him that she was there when he breathed for the last time? That she could not do anything to help him, that she had disappointed him. The wounds were still raw.

"I'm so sorry Jake,am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I tried very hard to stay away, you know I did. I cannot give you what you want,am sorry." The words were soft, barely audible. Jake heard the words,saw the sincerity in her eyes but still felt the fresh assault of pain in his chest. She could not let him in and he could not continue leaving like that. It had come down to that. He had succeeded in breaking his own heart yet couldn't bring himself to regret it.

Later when he left the mood was different, he was not coming back and they both knew it. Walking him to his car was like walking on hot coal for Alex. Another heartbreak? She had vowed to not let anyone get to her and yet here they were. Not only did she manage to break her own heart, she had broken a person who had only wished good for her. Did he even know that he had saved her life that day on the beach? He'd probably never know how much he meant to her.

Jake did not look back, he got in the car and drove away. He was not feeling, he had left his heart behind.