Love Bites; Bullets

The L Word

I couldn't fucking believe I had messed up this bad. I felt like for once I loved someone, truly loved someone without being forced to like family. Yes, what I did was impulsive and kind of aggressive I can fully admit. But why run off like that? 

I came home from School that day in the worst mood. My dad came home from hunting with his friends, and had obviously been drinking. 
"For fuck sakes Ryan!" He yells while closing the door behind him.
"What!" I yelled back while sitting in his chair in the living room.
"What the fuck are you doing in my chair!" Then he runs over and spins it towards him before practically tossing me across the floor.
"Shit!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, before lunging at him and actually got on top of him and put my hands around his neck.
"I'll fucking kill you!" I kept screaming that over and over as he struggled to fight me, but the fight didn't last long because I am a twig compared to my old man. He then threw me off of him.
"You good for nothing sack of fucking piece of bullshit!" He completely lost his cool, and so did I. Never talked, or ate, but I did go upstairs and give myself new scars. It's been a long while since I did this, and I thought I would stop for good, but I was wrong; very wrong. Looking into the mirror, I drawled a pathway from my shoulder to my heart with a fresh razor. 

The next day, I was dead set on not going to School. That was until my dad practically dragged me out of bed by my ear all the way to the back door.
"Get the fuck out of my house!" He then kicked me, and I stood up and ran out, grabbing my bag while I did mainly because I couldn't leave the map at home.

Once arriving at School though, there was no escaping Casey unfortunately. 
"Hold on! Wait up!" She tried to catch me, and I eventually gave up and slowed down.
"Leave me alone! You'll get hurt if you're around me!" I yelled out of anger and worry.
"What? No! I just wanted to tell you I was sorry about yesterday." She did apologize, but that didn't change the fact that I was terrified for her safety. That's when I laid it all out for her.
"Casey, I love you. But, I love you enough to keep you safe and I'm so afraid." I began to pant by the end of that sentence, and had sweat coming directly out of my pores and dripping onto my face. 
"Afraid of what!?" She asked.
"It's not safe for you to be around me.." I was still hesitant, but Casey looked to be getting short-tempered.
"Why?!" She shouted.
"Damnit Ryan talk to me! Let me help you!" She yelled louder than I'd ever heard her, before that other brown-haired bitch came up to us.
"Is there a problem here!?" She came up straight to my face, trying to intimidate me.
"Ivy don't!" I could hear Casey getting more frustrated, so I defended her.
"You heard her leave us alone." I glanced down at her smiling, and puffed my chest out in a dominant way.
"I've known her longer than you asshole!" She cries, and I stopped smiling then and let my anger come crumbling down. And then I heard Casey scream again.
"Casey, I could take this bitch down right now." I whispered, and smiled at Ivy in a stern manner. My blood was boiling.
"You wanna try me freak?" She says, and that pushed me over the fucking edge; no one dare call me a fucking freak. I blacked out in a blur of violent images, and tried to beat the hell out of this girl but Casey sure didn't let me and we ended up in the courtyard somehow.
"Ryan! What are you doing!?" She was shouting whilst also pacing and rubbing her head repeatedly, causing me to get over stimulated.
"Stop that!" I pulled her arms down, and just held her close to me. She kept saying she was sorry over and over again for a good minute, while crying into my chest. I loathed to hear her in distress, so I squeezed her tighter.
"Stop crying! I'm holding you now.. Please?" I said while gently rubbing her back until she finally stopped crying.
"Yesterday." She says while I let her go, and she wipes the last few tears out of her eyes.
"I had a mental breakdown because of the way you held my face made me think of how my dad used to yell at me." I sighed, feeling so relieved that I wasn't throwing off mixed signals to make her leave me.
"So, you didn't break up with me?" I asked feeling better.
"No I didn't break up with you." She said.
"What a fucking relief, because I thought you did." And I sighed yet again.
"Your first relationship huh?" She looked like she was trying to smile, but I just nodded back.
"Well, that was kinda hypocritical for me to say because you are technically my first boyfriend."
She says, and I'm still just listening before a light gleamed in her eyes.
"Did you say that you loved me earlier?" She asked, and my heart began to race.
"Yeah, why did you not like it or something." I asked worried as all hell. Turns out I shouldn't have been, because she pulled me in to kiss me. Before letting go, she whispered something to me that I would never forget.
"I love you too." And I felt myself smiling bigger than I'd ever had in my whole life, for once in the longest time I was genuinely happy until that same bitch from earlier had to ruin our moment.
"What the fuck Casey!" Man she was fucking pissed.
"Ivy, I'm sorry." And all I could do was laugh at this shit.
"He was threatening me and still, you pick him over me!?" She was screaming her head off, so I just kept smiling. And she said something along the lines of 'Fuck you' before running off, and Casey tried to chase her but I stopped her. Everything was a blur after the bell rang, we just continued on with our relationship as if nothing ever happened. Fine with me, I was able to be happy again.

Lunch break I had been waiting for which felt like decades, until I finally was in the courtyard having a smoke and clearing my mind of all the bullshif of life. Eventually, Casey was there with me and we both started to rewind.
"I'm gonna try out for the musical." She says randomly, and it was a good thing to laugh at, because I constantly poke fun at the theater kids.
"What? You?" Then laughed.
"Yeah me! I promised the theater kids last year that I would." She said.
"Can you even sing?" I asked as I looked down and smiled at her. She took me by surprise when she stood up, and began to actually sing. I wanted to laugh at first, but as I shut my mouth and opened my ears, I listened in awe. And had the voice of an angel, as if her speaking voice wasn't already approachable enough. When she finished, I applauded and hugged her.
"That was.. Amazing." I whispered as she was being held.
"And that's coming from you, mister no musical." She joked and we both shared a laugh. And then that's when I realized how good she really was if she decided to try out for that musical, I could see her getting the lead role at best. And as much as I hated theater, I was willing to make a commitment to her and only her.
"However, if you sign up, I'll gladly go to watch you perform and only you!" I said.
"You're a sweetheart." She smiled and hugged me again.
"No I'm not, but thanks." I replied while holding her in my arms.

It felt like she belonged in my arms, like it was longing for Casey. I love her, but if she finds out the truth about the map, I don't know what to do then. I am still afraid, very afraid. One sly move, and my life is officially over.