Love Bites; Bullets

A New Friend

It's as simple as it's going to get. I just can't leave him like that. As much as he might be crazy and controlling, I still seem to love him. What happened to me? I am not like this! I choose this guy before my only friends? And I'm doing things I'd never do, ever. I can't help it, and I can't believe the girl I've become and it makes me feel terrible while at the same time at ease. I decided one day at lunch break, I went to the Music room to have a one on one conversation with that girl from the closet, just about feelings and such.

Once inside the room, I saw everyone give me dirty looks for obvious reasons. I felt bad, but also didn't at the same time and I didn't really know why.
"I'm looking for.." I said.
"Who?" One guy says.
"A girl." I said trying to be polite and nice. The guy looks at another girl, and that girl looks behind her at the girl I was really looking for.
"My name is Lisa." She says emerging from the crowd.
"Hi, Lisa." I said.
"What do you want now?" She asks.
"Can we please talk." I said desperately enough.
"Sure." She sighed and said, while turning to the kids in a way of telling them that everything was going to be alright.
Once again, we went into the supply closet for a private talk.
"What's wrong Casey." She asked concerned.
"I don't know what's going on between me and Ryan." I lowered my head.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"We had another fight, the day Ryan had an outburst here." Lisa continued to listen, and she was no longer just the girl from the closet, but truly felt like a friend.
"He was going crazy! Like crazier than before! And I snapped.." I whispered.
"How so?" She asks.
"I called him embarrassing and I really seemed to make him very upset." She didn't look surprised in the slightest bit, until I told her what happened afterwards.
"He actually cried.." Before I could cry thinking about it, Lisa gasped loudly.
"Ryan Glantis! Cry!" She shouts.
"Yes! I made him cry!" Then I broke down, shaking and quivering.
"I've never seen or heard from him ever!" She looked so surprised that she didn't comfort me right away. Eventually she did, letting me cry on her literal shoulder as I whimpered about my pain.
"The worst part is.." I said as I wiped my tears.
"However! I still don't approve if you were to run back to him." Then she went on to explain something that made my heart pound.
"But, I can tell you that boy truly loves you." She says.
"You think?" My lip quivered uncontrollably.
"You kidding me girl! Ryan is the most stone cold person I've ever known!" She looked genuinely surprise, which somehow boosted my mind.
"I don't feel good about making him cry." I said.
"Well of course! You have empathy unlike him.." She said, and it caught my attention.
"But if he doesn't have any empathy, then why does he love me so much?" I asked confused.
"I think that's up for you to ask him." She then smirked at me.

We stayed there for the entire duration of lunch, and I was just fine about that. It included a lot of laughing, crying, gasping, and all sorts of things. Truly like old times with the friends I practically turned my back on. But after that, I found a new friend. Lisa really got me, and still knows how much I love Ryan but was so scared of how he would react to me crawling back. Just before leaving after the bell, she gave me one word of advice.
"Don't come running to him again please." She said concerned.
"So what do I do? I really want him back!" I shout.
"I'm sorry Casey but this is how it's supposed to be." She said.
"Imagine if he has another outburst like that and your his target next time." She explained.
"I don't know." I sighed.
"I'll try and stay away, but I feel just plain awful!" I shout.
"Take a breather, it'll be fine. This will be good for you." She says, and I made my way towards the door while she followed.
"Thanks Lisa, hope we can talk again." I said trying to smile properly. She surprised me this time, by just grabbing and hugging me again before leaving.
"Me too." She said smiling back. 

I walked out of that room feeling a little less heavy. Lisa is a really good person and a great listener, while also being able to pitch in and give great advice at all the right times. She was now a friend, a new person in my life, and now I'm not so alone. Maybe, I'll be able to get over Ryan with her around. Then again, something inside my mind is telling me that there's no fully giving up on him. No matter how many hobbies I tried to fulfill my time with, Ryan could never fully escape my mind. He's always there, and always inevitable there. As hard as it was for me to say, I decided to just stay away like Lisa told me until Ryan came to me at least. She really wanted me to break up with him, as does everyone else, but I just couldn't. I can bring myself to do that to him, but ignoring and spending more time with myself to recharge and think about what I should actually do was a better option for me only. 

Coming home that night, I whipped out an old diary book that I never finished just so I could write my feelings onto it.

Diary entry: "I don't know what I am doing. I did loads of things I'd never do in my lifetime I thought, thinking I'm a good child. But I'm not! Running around with Ryan Glantis is ruining my reputation and life. But still, can't keep myself away.. And I wanna find him, really wanna find him and say I'm sorry." 

I couldn't find myself to write anymore, just wanting to curl up and lay forever.