Love Bites; Bullets

I Screwed Up

I still can't believe that I officially made Casey my girlfriend. To think after all that stress and denying feelings, that I would actually listen to my heart? Shit, I didn't even think I had a heart. What was even better was that her only two annoying friends were out of the picture. They seemed to give me dirty looks, with or without Casey around. Besides, they are both on my list and have been since the beginning. My map has been perfectly drawn out, all I have to do is label and color a little. I haven't been more excited for anything more in my existence, except maybe for getting a girlfriend to be honest now. She's great, and she'll never be on my list. According to my map, she doesn't even fucking exist. 

It's another School day, and I decided to shower that day, sooner than I usually do. I don't take pride in my appearance ever, so this was a special occasion. Not that it made me look different, my hair just was less greasy. 
"What the hell! Your using all the hot water!" My dad is in the hallway standing outside my bedroom door.
"I took a shower, is that too much to ask man!?" I answer sarcastically.
"You think your so damn smart." Then he walks away, and I slammed my door to fix my hair and get myself ready.
Looking in the mirror, I fixed my hair longer and more than usual. What? I want to look good for my girl for once.

Once arriving at School I see Casey standing in the middle of the lobby, looking like she was searching for me. I made my arrival obvious to her before I noticed that she looked to the side, and looked curious.
"Hey, what's the problem?" I asked.
"Nothing." Then she looks up and smiles at me, as she's been doing since the day we first talked.
"Okay." I say as we walk down the hallway, before she put her hand in mine. I didn't know how to feel at first, but those odd feelings didn't last long because I had to tell myself if I can give her a passionate kiss like I did; than I can easily hold her hand in the hallway.
About twenty minutes later, after walking and making loops around the School with our hands interlocked. The bell rang for first class, which we have together everyday in the morning.

When we get to the classroom for Music, I decided with an impulsive decision to step out of my comfort zone and not sit at the table across the room. I thought that it would be embarrassing for her to be with me away from people, as she's not like me. Also, the main reason is I don't want her seeing my map and notes if I take them out.
I put my stuff at the chair I usually let it sit at, and Casey decided to just sit there. I made it clear that I was only placing my things there so that I wouldn't be tempted to pull out the list, because then she would see everything and I'd have to explain my reasoning. 

We pulled up a chair and sat on the far opposite of where the table is, so that I could still have my distance with students. 
"This is where you like to sit?" She asks, and I start to fidget and shake more than usual because I'm trying to so hard to be comfortable not at the desk.
"Not usually no, usually over there." I pointed at my chair across the room, desperate to protect it.
"You know, we can sit at the table if that's what makes you comfortable." She says, and I immediately nod my head in relief. I was so happy that she didn't make me stay where we were, and once we sat down I felt better.
"Thanks, actually." I found myself smiling, hated it, and tried to stop it.
"I hate when you do that! No offence." She smiled at me, and I was confused about what she was trying to tell me.
"I love your smile!" She said pretty loudly, enough for people to hear. That's when I felt compelled to move my bag onto the floor.
The rest of that class was self explanatory, I did minimal work while Casey did a lot of it.

Two hours later, after another class that I actually decided to stay in, it was finally my break with her. We go out to the courtyard that I now share with Casey, and I kick back and smoke a cigarette while we talk.
"Ryan?" She eventually asks.
"Yeah." I exhale and reply.
"This may sound rude but.. do you have any friends?" She says.
"No." I chuckled to myself loudly, because I really wasn't ashamed to tell her the truth.
"Neither do I.. Anymore." Then she pauses, looking disappointed in herself. So, I flicked half my cigarette into a puddle I purposely aimed for.
"Anymore?" I leaned in and asked.
"Yeah, I think I might've lost the only two friends I had." She lowers her head, and I slid down the brick wall to sit closest to her. 
Now, I could care less about friend drama. In fact, that's my best fucking advantage to the whole situation of me not being particularly socially interested in what's what. I already knew the people she was talking about, and I had a rough past with both of them somehow. Which is fine, they're on my list anyhow.
"This may sound rude.." I didn't even get to finish my question, before I already got her laughing.
"But, I thought you were popular!" I got honest with her, but she just laughs even more.
"What!? No! Far from it!" She cries and giggles looking shocked.
"I remembered when I first saw you, you were talking to that theater geek." I began to reminisce about that time of utter confusion.
"Yeah, you got me crushing I think." She smiled again, and I always feel like everyone she does that, I have to kiss her because it's so damn angelic. 
"You know your really good at that right?" She tells me after we stop kissing.
"Yeah?" I smiled, without trying to stop myself. I could feel my heart like it was going to burst out of my chest, I've never felt this way before about anything or anyone; I didn't want it to go away.
"There it is!" She shouts as I smile, and I get up and start impulsively stretching my head from excitement.
"What's the matter?" She asked looking up at me.
"Nothing! I just can't believe I have.. A girlfriend!?" I continued to stretch my head, until I stretched hard enough that I wasn't happy anymore; I was downright petrified. Realizing that Casey doesn't know about my secret, and I needed her to make a promise to me without me having to explain myself. Then, I grabbed her up by the hands and had her look into my eyes.
"Promise me you won't be afraid." I said.
"That's a guarantee!" She must still think we are flirting, but I interrupted.
"No! I'm serious Casey!" I raised my voice.
"You are scaring me right now Ryan!" She yelled back, and I could smell her fear before gently grasping her face.
"Promise me!" I yelled.
"I promise! Just stop it Ryan you're freaking me out!" I let go of her face, and stood by the wall to light a new cigarette. Until after a few puffs, I noticed Casey in the corner of my eye shaking to death before dropping back on the floor.
"Casey?" I exhaled my cigarette. And I leaned down to touch her shoulder, big mistake.
"Don't." She says, and immediately bounces up and off inside.

What the fuck!? She would leave me like that! What is this about? Did I just lose her for good!? Wow, just as I was beginning to open up and get all excited about having a girlfriend. I love her, but I might have to let her go. This is not going to be easy but, maybe I should stay the way I always have been. They say two heads are better than one, but I guess in my case, I've lost my lovely case..