Love Bites; Bullets

What Have I Done?

My rooftop date plan went great. It resulted in sex which wasn't my original idea, but definitely was open to it. Days after it had happened though, I could tell Casey was having fun with the whole concept and idea of it. I thought for some reason it would be too awkward for her to talk about it, but sometimes she'd even crack jokes while we flirted and such. And since that night, we've made out a lot more and that's great. She allows me to make more physical moves then before. For example, if I casually grabbed her ass in the hallway she would giggle and kiss my cheek. God, I love this feeling. Finally someone to love me for me, so I could stop focusing on how much I hated myself.

One day at lunch, I saw Casey in the hallway walking a completely opposite way from the courtyard. I grabbed her hand and guided her back to our spot, but she refused.
"Ryan!" She shouts while losing my grip.
"What!?" I exclaimed.
"I have to go to the Music room this lunch." She said. My mind sent spinning rapidly, red flags after red flags. Theater kids get under my fucking skin so bad, and I'm not sure why. Then again I don't need to know, all I need is to grab the new map and all my questions will be answered.
"For the musical..?" I said, trying not to get worked up.
"Yes Ryan, for the musical." She smiled, and I leaned my head down in anger because my face felt so hot. Casey gently lifts up my face to kiss it, and my face cooled down immediately. 
"Is that okay with you? Just for today?" She asks while holding my face, and I took a gentle grasp of one of her hands. 
"Just for today." I found the strength to say. 
"Thanks!" She practically flies down the hallway after that towards the Music room. 

I wanted to walk away into the courtyard on my own really bad. My body was practically aching for tobacco and nicotine, but I just couldn't! To think about Casey with those big nerdy guys who are definitely smarter and more attractive than me made my blood boil. The only thing I could do with minimal control was go to the door and eavesdrop, so that's exactly what I did. 

Making it to the door, I leaned on one of the heavy push doors, which I didn't know was push at the time. That was when I heard someone break some supposedly good news, to whom exactly?
"You got the lead! Congrats!" They said, and everyone clapped and cheered loudly. I tried to listen in closer of who this person could've been talking about, but I tripped over my own damn shoelace like an idiot, stumbling into the room itself. 
Once I did, I could hear and see that everyone stopped clapping. Their putrid eyes glared at me with fear, I liked that. Until my eyes met Casey, as I could see some kids hiding behind her now.
"Sorry babe.. I just fell." I looked over her shoulder at the one girl hiding, and I found myself grinning.
"What are you doing here?" Some guy says.
"Me?" I point at myself, feeling an urge to kick that guys ass I walked over to him. He was terrified, practically clinging onto the exit door for dear life.
"You got a problem with me?" I whispered, moving closer. I was gonna have my way with this twirp, until Casey got in my way.
"Okay I think that's enough maybe you should just.." She began to say, but I was so caught up in the moment that I cut her off.
"Go!?" I said loudly.
"Umm.." I could see her gulp nervously. And I gave it my all, laying everything out there as my heart contented. 
"I'm not important enough to you? That you have to run off with these skeleton motherfuckers!" I shout.
"Excuse me!?" She gave me attitude back, and I was not okay with that. I picked up a chair and threw it to the side, letting it hit the wall and flip, before getting in her face.
"That is enough! Leave this room effective immediately!" Some other guy said, but I just mimicked what he said childishly.
"I love you so fucking much." I whisper to Casey, and kissed her nose before leaving the room to get my quick fix. 

Sitting outside with my cigarette, I paced back and forth to try and calm myself down. I screamed.. A lot. Like, A lot. So much, that I felt like my lungs were gonna be coughed up through my mouth if I breathed the wrong way. I started ripping at the seams of the inside of my jacket, because sometimes I do that when I'm stressed and fidgeting to calm myself after a breakdown. My little mental breakdown outside, couldn't even prepare me for what was gonna happen once I got inside. 

It was after lunch as the bell rang, and I just decided to actually try and make it to class. Walking down the hallway, I bump into Casey.
"Where are you going?" She asked.
"Class!" I said and smiled.
"Actually?" She asks.
"Yes! Why?" I said still smiling.
"I'll talk to you later." Then she walked faster past me, without kissing me? What the fuck!

Then finally it was time to go home. I sat outside the front doors of the School to just quietly smoke before going home, and I couldn't stop thinking about Casey. How I loved her so much, and would never let anyone take her from me. If it wasn't for her bumping into me in the hallway, I would've probably went home and killed myself maybe. My thoughts have been eased, as I seen Casey come out the doors and I tossed my cigarette to the side.
"What's the matter baby?" I smirked.
"You terrified us earlier!" She was already starting to yell, and I wasn't entirely sure why she got so scared.
"Woah really, you couldn't handle that?" I asked.
"No Ryan, I couldn't." And she folded her arms.
"Listen.." I scratched my head impulsively.
"I would love to." She got all military like again.
"I don't like those kids okay!?" I whined.
"You've made that very clear! But why!?" She's still shouting, making my head spin all over again.
"I don't know, I don't like anyone!" Then I started yelling louder.
"Including me?" She asks unfolding her arms. Her comment broke my heart.
"No." I calmed down enough to try and hold her face to kiss it, but Casey pushed me off angrily.
"I'm trying to talk dammit!" She screams, and that set me back over the edge of insanity.
"Then fucking talk Casey! Say everything you need to say because I'm tired of waiting!" I was screaming, kicking, and punching everything in sight. That was when she made me stop, by saying something I'd never forget.
"You're embarrassing!" She screamed, and I immediately stopped and turned around.
"I am..?" I felt myself crying, literally crying my eyes out. But I just moved my hair into my face and grabbed my stuff to walk off, and finally go home.
She shouted my name a few times, but I just kept a steady pace, raising my arm up to my wipe my face everytime a tear tried trickling down my cheek. I knew what I had to do when I went home, and it was crucial. Make new scars, and hit up the bar. Not literally the bar because I'm underage, but raid the fridge drinking as much of any kind of alcohol I could get my hands on. I need to be dumb fuck drunk tonight and forget, everything. 

Once I went home, I did just that. My dad got mad that I drank the rest of his brand new beer, and actually beat the shit out of me. Honestly, I was too drunk and depressed to care. I'd just knocked myself out after that. He didn't beat me until unconscious, but afterwards, I just plopped onto my bed and cried myself to sleep after that. I layed there and thought about what I was gonna do now. I can't leave Casey, but I want to leave. I thought about trying to actually kill myself again just to see if it would work this time. If it did, good. If it didn't, then I was going to go through with my plan in June which was only a month away now. Well now, time to play another round of Russian Roulette.

 I went under my bed and found my old revolver from a few years back that I first learned to shoot with, and found a single shell in the box it came in. I loaded it while extremely drunk and black-eyed, spinning the chamber, I clicked it in, now I'm locked and loaded. Putting it to my head, first trigger, nothing happens. Was about to pull the second trigger, but dad walks in and smacks the gun out of my hand causing it to fire the only bullet.
"I told you to stop fucking playing with guns!" He yells and burps loudly.
"What do you care old man..?" I said drunkenly.
"You're gonna pay for that fucking beer you here!" He shouts. 
"Yeah, yeah." Then I shut my eyes, and let myself lay on the ground and fall asleep.

I remembered waking up the next day with no motivation whatsoever to even fucking move. I crawled back on my bed with the worst hangover known to man, just layed there staring up into the ceiling. Secretly waiting for my dad to burge in and kick me out of the house, but he never came. I actually never saw him at all that day, just heard him. 

I feel so fucking useless..